I have a temper, a fact that I readily admit to without pause. I have learned over the years that when I am super pissed it is best to go scream, vent, beat the hell out of a pillow or something to get it out of my system so that I can then deal with the problem in a rational and productive manner. I use the term rational loosely. And, by loose I mean, “7 year-old’s front tooth hanging on by a thread” loose.

I read somewhere that the first 5 years of marriage are often the worst. I can vouch for this personally. Once the honeymoon phase is over it’s a wonder that most marriages don’t end in murder rather than divorce. I have no idea why or how we managed to stick it out… other than the fact that we are still “icky, goopy, silly” in love with each other and, quite frankly, the world is a far less colorful place for me without Mike.

Colorful would also describe an argument several years ago where I found myself with an almost supernatural aim, an ability I had not discovered previously. On a good day I can manage to toss something into the trash can from a few feet away… On. A. Good. Day. Most days I’ll miss by several inches. My poor aim is often fodder for what the jackasses around this house like to pass off as comedy.

Except for this one time…

Apparently, when I am super pissed I have the aim of a 10 year-old with a large bat, standing 2 feet away from a pinata filled with the “good” candy. It’s always nice when you can discover your own hidden talents.

So as most early marital spats go… this one started out of nothing and got out of hand. Not “Barefoot In The Park” out of hand, more “War of the Roses” out of hand. We said things, mean things, hurtful things. He slammed out the backdoor with a parting gesture and an ill-chosen word and I snapped. I flew out the backdoor, picked up a small, gardening hand shovel and pitched it from a solid 15 feet away as he headed out the back gate.

Everything slowed down and I could literally see this shovel flipping end over end through the air. It bounced off the back of his head with an odd metallic “thunk” and smacked the tree nearby. That’s when it occurred to me…

“Holy shit… he’s going to kill me!!!!”

He didn’t turn around, his shoulders hunched for a moment, he swung the gate open and slammed it shut behind him. Later, he told me that he didn’t even realize it until he got to the store, but he apparently had a rather large bump on the back of his head.

The upside to those first heavy spats is the make-up sex, obviously. Which is usually amazing. Several years later the big “doozy” fights rarely happen, and if they do, they never escalate. Now we do the mature thing and talk it over, make a joke, or apologize…

But, the make up sex is still amazing.

My very first HNT, still one of my all-time favorite pictures, too. I’m planning on framing this one, it’s in a very long (and growing) “To Do” list.

The Doran Girls and their pretty feet!

That my two older children are complete and utter jackasses. Maybe not all the time but a good portion of it. This is exactly what happens when I ask my kids to act like they love each other so I can capture the rare and fleeting moment on camera.

They hate me, don’t they?

and I’m still up.

Correction…

WE’RE still up.

Working.

He actually just called over to me from his desk, “Hello! McFly!!”

I be he doesn’t even know what movie he’s inadvertently quoting.

(Another coinky-dink here, Joe, odd how Alex P. Keaton and his alter egos keep popping up everywhere, isn’t it?)

Since 11pm I’ve called him an asswipe no less than 5 times… and the later it gets the more sincerely I mean it.

This morning I got up and decided that I needed to:

A. Get my hair cut.
B. Get a pedicure.

By this afternoon I had added C. Take a nap.

Know how many I accomplished?

None. Tell me what the freaking point of a To-Do List is if you never DO anything ON it?
Hmmmm?

Any minute now the uncontrollable fits of laughter are going to start, except I’ll be the only one finding anything amusing and by tomorrow I won’t remember what was so funny and if I do, I doubt I’ll see the humor in it anyway.

Wait… hold the phone there… he might have just redeemed himself.

Mike: Hey, are you ok?

Me: *blink* *blink*

Mike: Don’t fall out on me now… I’m going to need someone to help spend all of this money.

Me: *blink* *blink* (and suddenly, “It’s Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas” is running through my head)

That’s right, boys, learn the lesson now. His stomach may be the way to a man’s heart, but the way to a woman’s heart (and other things) will always be through her wallet and in direct porportion to the limit on her credit card and the size of the diamond on her finger.

You may have bought the cow - but this is not an all you can eat buffet.

(God, I hope that makes sense tomorrow. Blogging while half-asleep cannot make for good blog fodder… But, then I can always rely on Britt to point out how bad it is.)

Suddenly… I’m feeling much better. Maybe I’ll fall asleep looking through my Pottery Barn catalogs. That always makes me feel relaxed.

I’m going to bed… I really hope I get a chance to go visit my blogbuds tomorrow… I seriously miss the hell out of you guys. Really.

Wow, my baby is just so darn grown up now. I mean… he’s worldly now, he’s experiencing things, and then… he’s coming home and telling me all about it.

Me: So how are you and K, doing?

Ethan: Great! It’s hard to believe it’s only been three months. I mean… I’ve had relationships where 5 weeks felt like 50 years.

Me: Oh… really. (stifling a laugh)

Ethan: Guess that’s one for your blog, huh, Mom?

Me: Probably.

——————————–

Ethan has a friend, B, that he met in 7th grade. Now they have some classes together in high school. B is a pretty funny kid in an Alex P. Keaton meets Ferris Beuler kind of way. The high schools don’t sell sodas anymore, so B, brings a twelve pack every day and sells them… he’s like a sugar/caffeine version of Al Capone. Only… less violent.

Ethan was telling us a few B stories tonight. My favorite was about B telling Ethan how he hit the P.E. teacher last year in the nuts with a line drive while they were playing baseball.

Ethan: What did Mr. N say?

B: (completely deadpan) Mr N said fuck.

————————————

B: I’d make a great teacher. I’d be like, “What were you thinking? You’re a freaking dumbass. Come up here… now everyone, laugh at him. I think we should bring back the dunce cap, I’d be like, “hey moron, go sit in the corner and put on your dunce cap.”

————————————

A kid walked into one of the classes wearing round glasses and sporting a messy, dark hairstyle. He casually scratched his neck a few times and looked around the room nervously…

Ethan’s friend: *elbowing Ethan and whispering* Look, Harry Potter on crack.

Another FPF for ya. I’m whole-heartedly enjoying doing these. Especially when I get a chance to get out and really find something interesting. I feel like a jerk if I keep mentioning the same people over and over again, although, some of them are just too damn funny on a regular basis (and normally make me wonder why I even attempt to blog).

Have you ever seen a Ring-Tailed Tooter? Neither have I, until now. What I especially love is that this particular Ring-Tailed Tooter and I share the same view of County, State, and Mid-State fairs.

Is Zube Girl too close for comfort?

And then there’s Joe with some Friday Fun… Joe-Style. Enjoy!!

Pffffft! Besides if you don’t like it STFU ;)

4 jobs I’ve had:
1. Pharmacy Tech
2. Registered Dental Assistant
3. Dental Office Manager
4. Office Manager for Appraisal Firm ;)

4 movies I could watch over and over:
1. When Harry Met Sally
2. White Christmas
3. Pirates of the Caribbean
4. The Mummy

4 places I have lived:
1. Colorado Springs, CO
2. Southwest Bakersfield
3. Kind of Central Bakersfield
4. Northwest Bakersfield

TV shows I love to watch:
1. Gilmore Girls
2. Supernatural
3. How I Met Your Mother
4. Most Haunted / Haunting Evidence

4 places I have been on vacation:
1. Tahoe
2. Disneyland
3. Pismo Beach
4. Las Vegas

4 websites I visit daily:
1. Miss Britt
2. People
3. MSN
4. 90% of my blogroll - whether I comment or not (mostly not, sorry!!!)

4 fave foods:
1. Sushi
2. Manicotti / Pizza
3. Burgers from Wendy’s
4. Homemade chocolate cake with homemade fudge frosting

4 places I’d like to be right now:
1. Shopping
2. Getting my hair done.
3. Pedicure
4. … nevermind.

Not tagging anyone… but if you do it - let me know so I can link to it, please!!

The school year is off to a roaring start, guys.

The high school called to make sure that my brother, GJ, and Ethan were still enrolled. It seems that there was a final “blue” schedule they were supposed to pick up an hour before school started.. except, no one told them this. I’m wondering why they needed to go to school last week to pick up their schedule?

Yesterday, the high school insisted that they lost Ethan’s physical form from his doctor. Turns out they just overlooked it in the file.

Oh yeah, Ethan has developed shin splints and is now fearing that he might miss out on the varsity spot this year. We feel awful for him.

Kate was put in a 5th/6th grade combo class without our permission. The teacher had never taught 6th grade, told the kids she would be learning along with them, then proceeded to start the year of normally for her 5th graders and leave the 6th graders dangling. In addition to this there was the humiliation of these 12 6th graders having to sit with ALL the 5th graders at lunch and having to attend a 5th grade assembly.

Not good.

We talked to the principal yesterday, called back today and Kate has now been moved to a regular 6th grade class starting tomorrow. Poor kid.

Aside from all of this typical drama, Ethan loves high school and it looks like it is going to be a really great year.

Mike and I are exhausted. We’ve been trying to play “Super Parents” since last weekend. We’ve been up every morning fixing breakfast, taking everyone to school, then back here working until it’s time to pick them up… and usually finishing up loose work ends until midnight almost every night.

The good news is that the new business - is going great!!!!!!

My husband’s partner, S, is a big, lovable, guy who is absolutely hilarious and sometimes doesn’t quite realize how funny he is or is just unintentionally so. Since the guy rarely cracks a smile, I’ve yet to figure him out. All in all, he is just a great guy who gives off a wonderful vibe, you feel instantly comfortable around him and he’s one of the most genuinely sincere and generous people I’ve ever met. He’s the kind of guy who asks you how you are and you get the feeling that he actually cares. He also tells some of the funniest damn stories I’ve ever heard.

The other morning S was over and we were chatting while Mike got ready so they could go do some inspections.

S: How are you doing?

Me: Pretty well, Maggie’s wearing me out though. She drew in crayon on the family room wall yesterday and all I could do was look at my brand new wall and try not to cry.

S: Oh shit! Yeah, my brother did that once, only he wrote my name all over the wall.

Me: My sister did that to me once.

S: He didn’t get in trouble or anything. My dad thought it was clever the way he was trying to pin it on me so he gave him points for creativity or some shit like that.

Me: Geez. My mother didn’t believe me. She figured I was clever enough to draw on the UNDER side of the table, but dumb enough to SIGN my own name. I bet you thumped your brother’s melon good for that one, huh?

S: Yeah, probably, but he’s dead now, so I really regret all the fights and stuff we had.

*silence* (Thank God my back was to him)

*blink* *blink*

Me: Oh… geez, S, I’m sorry.

S: Yeah, well, it was years ago. I’m always telling my kids not to take arguments so seriously because you just don’t know how much time you really have together.

That’s usually how a conversation with S goes… You never know which kind of story it’s going to be. The story will be rolling along really well, pretty funny and out of the blue takes some kind of Grim Reaper turn for the worse. I usually try to refrain from laughing until I find out how bad the story is going to get.

Other examples (as close as I can recall them anyway):

“…and it hit him square in the nuts!”

*insert Amy laughing*

“After he got to the hospital he found out he had testicular cancer and he died like two months later…”

*insert Amy trying to shut the hell up*

“…and the one guy let go, they had that thing twisted pretty tight so when he let go, it spun around and hit Bob square in the face and he went flying…”

*insert Amy laughing*

“Yeah, he lost all of his teeth, broke his nose, and had to have his jaw wired shut for six months.”

*insert Amy trying to shut up, anticipating hearing how the guy died from something horrific*

I typically find myself stifling laughter that ends up withering and dying an agonizing death as he recants the rest of the poor fellow’s tale:

“I was with this guy once who was out shooting squirrels near this electric fence… this huge pine cone fell out of a tree and hit him in the head. He fell into that electric fence and pissed himself, I couldn’t help laughing, it was pretty funny. I figured he’d walk it off and be ok. But about that time a thunderstorm came up and he got struck by lightening. He actually caught on fire… So there he is in the hospital suffering, the Doctor won’t give him anymore morphine, if it hadn’t been for that plane crashing into the hospital there’s no telling how long he’d have been there like that.”

It’s usually pretty hard to sit there listening because part of me wants to laugh while the other part knows something bad has to be coming. More than once I’ve sat there biting my tongue while S looks at me like I’ve lost my marbles. He usually has this look on his face like he expects you to know the end of the story before he tells it - so he looks sort of shocked while you are sitting there giggling like an ass.

The other day, S tells Mike, “Yeah, I think I’m probably going to hell… I mean what are you supposed to do, say you’re sorry right before you die?”

This is just the kind of thing that brightens my day…

My husband’s business partner has two kids roughly Ethan and Kate’s ages. C (partner’s oldest, a boy) is going to be a junior at the same high school as Ethan. He just got his driver’s license a few weeks ago and now his parents keep him hooked up running documents and things back and forth to our houses (we live about a 5 minute drive from them.)

He came by this morning and ended up hanging around and visiting for a while. He’s a really sweet, funny, kid so we really enjoy him. While he was here his father (hub’s partner) called twice.

C: Hello…. *pause* No, I’m over here at Mike’s, visiting for a minute. *pause* Ok, Bye.

Twenty minutes later…

C: Hello… *pause* No, I didn’t. *pause* Yep, I’m still here. *pause* Ok, bye.

C: I think I’ve had the shortest, strangest conversations in my entire life with my dad. He wanted to know if I got the ice, I told him no, I was still here. He said, “Oh, guess it’s a good thing you didn’t get the ice yet, then. *rolling his eyes* I think my dad gets bored sometimes and just starts dialing numbers… like drunk dialing… only bored.

——————-
Later that day, during dinner:

Mike: I’m just sayin’ you don’t get old by being stupid.

Katie: Are you sure about that, Dad?