My husband’s partner, S, is a big, lovable, guy who is absolutely hilarious and sometimes doesn’t quite realize how funny he is or is just unintentionally so. Since the guy rarely cracks a smile, I’ve yet to figure him out. All in all, he is just a great guy who gives off a wonderful vibe, you feel instantly comfortable around him and he’s one of the most genuinely sincere and generous people I’ve ever met. He’s the kind of guy who asks you how you are and you get the feeling that he actually cares. He also tells some of the funniest damn stories I’ve ever heard.
The other morning S was over and we were chatting while Mike got ready so they could go do some inspections.
S: How are you doing?
Me: Pretty well, Maggie’s wearing me out though. She drew in crayon on the family room wall yesterday and all I could do was look at my brand new wall and try not to cry.
S: Oh shit! Yeah, my brother did that once, only he wrote my name all over the wall.
Me: My sister did that to me once.
S: He didn’t get in trouble or anything. My dad thought it was clever the way he was trying to pin it on me so he gave him points for creativity or some shit like that.
Me: Geez. My mother didn’t believe me. She figured I was clever enough to draw on the UNDER side of the table, but dumb enough to SIGN my own name. I bet you thumped your brother’s melon good for that one, huh?
S: Yeah, probably, but he’s dead now, so I really regret all the fights and stuff we had.
*silence* (Thank God my back was to him)
*blink* *blink*
Me: Oh… geez, S, I’m sorry.
S: Yeah, well, it was years ago. I’m always telling my kids not to take arguments so seriously because you just don’t know how much time you really have together.
That’s usually how a conversation with S goes… You never know which kind of story it’s going to be. The story will be rolling along really well, pretty funny and out of the blue takes some kind of Grim Reaper turn for the worse. I usually try to refrain from laughing until I find out how bad the story is going to get.
Other examples (as close as I can recall them anyway):
“…and it hit him square in the nuts!”
*insert Amy laughing*
“After he got to the hospital he found out he had testicular cancer and he died like two months later…”
*insert Amy trying to shut the hell up*
“…and the one guy let go, they had that thing twisted pretty tight so when he let go, it spun around and hit Bob square in the face and he went flying…”
*insert Amy laughing*
“Yeah, he lost all of his teeth, broke his nose, and had to have his jaw wired shut for six months.”
*insert Amy trying to shut up, anticipating hearing how the guy died from something horrific*
I typically find myself stifling laughter that ends up withering and dying an agonizing death as he recants the rest of the poor fellow’s tale:
“I was with this guy once who was out shooting squirrels near this electric fence… this huge pine cone fell out of a tree and hit him in the head. He fell into that electric fence and pissed himself, I couldn’t help laughing, it was pretty funny. I figured he’d walk it off and be ok. But about that time a thunderstorm came up and he got struck by lightening. He actually caught on fire… So there he is in the hospital suffering, the Doctor won’t give him anymore morphine, if it hadn’t been for that plane crashing into the hospital there’s no telling how long he’d have been there like that.”
It’s usually pretty hard to sit there listening because part of me wants to laugh while the other part knows something bad has to be coming. More than once I’ve sat there biting my tongue while S looks at me like I’ve lost my marbles. He usually has this look on his face like he expects you to know the end of the story before he tells it - so he looks sort of shocked while you are sitting there giggling like an ass.
The other day, S tells Mike, “Yeah, I think I’m probably going to hell… I mean what are you supposed to do, say you’re sorry right before you die?”
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August 22nd, 2006
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Posted in: Funny Stuff, Life Happens...
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