Posted By AmyD. on January 5, 2007

My mother will cringe when she reads this, but it’s the truth, and after reading about Crazy Lady’s Christmas Eve, I don’t feel so bad.

Most holidays, including Christmas and Easter have the usual components, food, family, etc. They also include a few extras… drinks and cigars.

It’s not unusual for all of us to have glass (or two) of wine. Even my mother. My mother-in-law swears by a glass (or six… JUST KIDDING, Jeri!!!) of red wine daily. But, that is typically where it ends for the women, usually anyway. Except for the 4th of July when even I have been known to get into the action.

For the guys, though, it really swings into gear after dinner. Cigars and whiskey (Maker’s Mark, usually) over ice. A few hours of that and the results are NOT pretty.

Christmas Day we had a lovely dinner, Mike cooked a prime rib and turkey, I made a ham and then we had all the usual side dishes. We had wine with dinner and port with dessert. Then the guys pulled out the Maker’s Mark, cigars, and adjourned to the garage for a rousing game of darts.

They smoked, drank, and played until well after 1am. By the time Mike stumbled into the family room where my mom, MIL, and I had been enjoying a quiet chat, he and my stepdad were about 10 sheets to the wind.

I don’t recall seeing my stepdad, I think my mom herded him out to the car, he’s probably lucky she didn’t just tie a rope around his waist with the other end tied to the bumper. Come to think of it, that would have made for a killer YouTube video…

Apparently, my family has these alter egos that only come out of hiding when they are less than sober. My mother turns into Scarlet O’Hara and my husband turns into the “Lord of the Manor.”

Which means that my little bout of a drunken state of arousal is NOTHING in comparison.

Mike stumbled into the familyroom and plopped himself on the ottoman in front of my chair.

“My mothurrr will be spennnning the night, have you made provisions for her?”

My MIL started to laugh.

Then he mumbled something about meager, mumble, mumble, darts, something. I thought he said, “eager” not meager. So, I said, “Yes, well, you’ve been quite an eager beaver tonight, haven’t you?” (Translation: Wife way of saying, “boy you drank a LOT, didn’t you, idiot?”)

He chuckled, a seedy, pervy chuckle and said, “I’m eager for your beaver, madam.”

*blink* *blink*

“Have you made arrangements for my mothurrrr?”

I responded that I had and that perhaps he should retire to the bedroom. I believe he said something to the effect of, “that is an excellent idea.” *insert seedy, pervy chuckle*

At this point I was unconcerned as it was more than obvious that there would be no holiday lovin’ as I am well aware of his drunken, ummm, capabilities.

Shortly after he had made it upstairs I heard some thumping. I told my MIL that I should probably get upstairs before he broke something. Now, the upstairs hallway is open to the entry way below and booming down from the hallway came a voice, “I’ve done nothing of the sort, madam!”

I hurried up the stairs to find my darling husband in his underwear and nothing else. I called down to my MIL, “He’s in his underwear, I better get him to bed, good night!” to which my inebriated husband replied, “I’m JUST as GOD made me MADAM!”

He slept until 3pm the next day and he didn’t look so hot when he got up.

My stepdad? Slept until noon or so and apparently spent the entire next day worshipping at the alter of the porcelain god. Every time he came out of the bathroom my mother shook a bottle of whiskey in his face and said, “Are you SURE you wouldn’t like another drink?” which sent him running back into the bathroom. Every time.

More B.S. in the backroom – log in under Extras and Credits in the sidebar on the right.

Categories: Holidays, Stupid Husband Tricks
Tags: Classics, Holidays, Stupid Husband Tricks