My mother, brother, and stepdad just returned from New York. My brother is in the Varsity Choir at school and they sang at Carnegie Hall!! (insert copious amounts of sisterly pride) Here he is:

I have no idea who the cougar is, but she has excellent taste, doesn’t she?
(corrected before my mother kills me, this is not a cougar but a lovely woman that my brother really respects and adores, she does something important with the choir… but I’m not sure what)

I dropped them off last week at the high school parking lot so they could board buses down to LAX.

When they returned to LAX my mother called me to let me know they were leaving LAX. Then she called when they reached Magic Mountain, then again at the base of the Grapevine and once they got into town, then when they were 5 minutes away from the school.

Not anticipating the rush of Memorial Day traffic back IN to town as well as the traffic on route to the school, I didn’t exactly RUSH to the car. That’s not true, necessarily, I got up when she called and I immediately started the search for my key to the ignition. When I didn’t find it, I borrowed Mike’s.

ED accompanied me. Typically, when my mother sees ED she gives her a huge hug, not so much this time. Forcing Asking ED to come along was just an instinct, but when I saw my mother, stepdad, and GJ standing on the sidewalk with their luggage, I knew that the instinct meant I needed a buffer. :twisted:

*Note to self, this is another one of those posts I am going to have to apologize for next Mother’s Day.

The conversation went like this (one must imagine my mother’s voice in low, exhausted, irritated, monotone):

ED: Was the flight very crowded?

Mom: The plane was full… with 110 teenagers on it.

Me: Did you have a layover?

Mom: In Denver.

ED: Denver has a really nice airport.

Mom: Not with 110 teenagers in it.

Me: ED could you grab those keys in the glove compartment.

*at this point I was trying to stifle the worst attack of the giggles that I have had in years.*

*ED shuffling around looking for keys and is obviously thrilled to have something to do so she doesn’t have to continue attempting to make polite conversation*

Mom: (to my stepdad as if I am not in the car at all) Oh my god, she forgot the keys. I reminded her to bring the keys and she forgot them.

(that last part, imagine my mom sounding very much like a pissed off Emily Gilmore from Gilmore Girls)

ED found the keys and I passed them back to my stepdad. I think my mom rolled her eyes, but it was dark.

We arrived at my mother’s house, I attempted to help them with their luggage, ED asked if they needed help - they declined and seemed more than a bit disgusted with us. The problem is that it was 9:30 at night, they had been traveling across time zones and what-not and were obviously jet lagged. My problem is that I had to wait until after I picked them up to start drinking.

ED and I got back into the car and left.

ED: Wow, your mama is PISSED.

Me: Oh, you noticed?

Ok, so we took a brief hiatus, did some reworking, and now - we’re back.

On to the task of relentless whoring.

We’ve added a new member - Avitable. He’s guaranteed to spice the place up a bit, with all the porn fetishes and what-not.

Why are you still here???

CLICK DAMMIT, CLICK!!!!

Mike on his MySpace:

“Wow, Tom sure has a lot of friends.”

“Amy!! Look at all these girls who want to be my friend… I must be putting out some mad animal magnetism online.”

:roll:

Friends, blogbuds, lend me your ears, I want to give you a life lesson here. I want you to know what it feels like to be at the top of your game.

This morning I awoke sans alarm clock, strolled down the stairs (when you are really cool you stroll, unless your name is Avitable or Miss Britt and then you sashay, if you are Joe - you lurk, if you are Marti you just sort of glide and hope not to smack into anything… get the picture?) and instead of my usual trip into the office I turned left and went into the kitchen and family room.

Which was completely destroyed. Toys and shit everywhere.

I cleaned the family room, kitchen and then made coffee. But, let’s forget that - because we are talking about my being at the top of my game and stuff so let’s pretend I don’t clean up after people, shall we?

My mom came by and I leisurely poured us a cup of coffee and we wandered out into the backyard to enjoy it’s morning beauty. We watched a butterfly flitting through the flowers and the baby toads hopping in between the plants. That’s what people with game do, my friends, they smell the roses, pet the toads, and throw tennis balls at the birds who try to eat their toads. Nasty little bastards. (The birds, not the toads)

Let’s just skip past the part where I answered some business emails, actually worked, and got Maggie out of nine million messes and near accidents.

Instead let’s talk about how the hubs and I got our groove on during work hours :twisted: but let’s NOT talk about how that was the first time in too long because of how damned busy we are. I won’t go into details about it, but let’s just say - WOW. M’kay?

In fact, we can assume that the WOW is the reason why I put my underwear on inside out instead of my having to hop up to get dressed because Mike’s phone was ringing off the hook and Maggie was waking up from her nap.

And, instead of finishing up several files and then running upstairs to change into suitable workout attire (because, let’s be honest, work attire consists of really cool looking pajamas) let’s pretend that instead I chose to take the afternoon off to workout and give myself get a pedicure.

We won’t talk about how said pedicure was actually just trimming my toenails while perched precariously on the side of the tub. Nor will I mention that said “pedicure” was only necessary because I had managed to jack up one of my toenails and it got a little infected. And, I won’t mention that in order to somewhat remedy the situation I had to soak the toe, douse it with hydrogen peroxide and both of which felt very much like how I might imagine a razor blade running up my ass crack might feel.

We won’t talk about that because I’m discussing how successful and powerful I am. Can’t you feel it? Doesn’t it intimidate you? I’m this || close to being Donald Trump, only with better hair, no ties, and no pathetic war with Rosie O’Donnell.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, someone left their popsicle to melt on my kitchen table and I might have to get the kitchen wipes and clean it up myself find some decent help to get that taken care of. After all, when you are at the top of your game good help is just so hard to find.

This is Maggie:

This is Maggie with a cold after taking cold medicine:

And so is this:

Any questions? Anyone?

Not you, Avitable, please put your hand down.

As any mother would, I often try to get video of Ethan playing his guitar. He’s been playing for several years and is really good. However, he’s not big on performing as you will see:

Tip your glass for a finale farewell to Sinatra. He’s gone to that big hamster wheel in the sky. He had a good run, was well loved, and well cared for. He will be missed.

In honor of the furry, little critter who gave me one of my most favorite posts, here it is:

Who Knew?

Dear Diary,

Today I almost killed my daughter’s hamster.

The day started out as any other day. Kate has been at my mother’s for the past two weeks and even though she is only 3 minutes away it would seem that her social schedule has not allowed her to get away for even a moment to clean out poor Sinatra’s habitat.

Cleaning out Sinatra’s cage isn’t out of the ordinary for me this summer considering I had to do it for the 16 days that Kate was on the east coast and now for the past two weeks.

I was rather smug proud of myself that I found a way to make quick work of the royal pain in the ass inconvenient task. Rather than taking the entire house apart, I simply stuck the lovely, on-board, hose attachment to my beloved vacuum, down the tube and sucked out all the old shavings, hidden food and, well, hamster poo.

Usually I take Sinatra out and put him in his exercise ball to run around while I complete the task of being his maid. This actually makes him more like real family, the fact that I have to pick up after him just like I do everyone else. Today Sinatra was being a complete bitch a little more stubborn than usual and so I left him in one portion of the tube while I sucked out the other portion.

Imagine my surprise to find out that my bagless Bissell vacuum is a little bit more powerful than I had original estimated it to be. One instant I was cleaning out his “condo” the next instant there was a “shloooop” sound and he was gone.

In what seemed like an instant I had the filters out of the vacuum and was yelling for Ethan to come help me while trying to recall what exactly one might do to perform CPR on a Siberian Dwarf Hamster. Unfortunately, we wound up cutting the vacuum hose into three pieces. To be fair, Ethan cut the hose because I was a tad bit upset over the thought of having to tell Kate that I murdered might have been responsible for the untimely demise of her hamster.

Once we had hacked the tube to bits (always careful to make sure there was nothing in the section we were cutting) we realized that he was still stuck in the long, narrow, hard, plastic “working end” of the tube attachment. (Damn you Bissell and your quality construction.) Peering into the end of the tube (right before the accordian section starts) where we had just cut I could see his furry, fat, little ass and bear-like tail.

I pulled on his tail… no response. Tugged on his back foot… he tucked it up under him, I yelped with joy and then considered sticking the handle of a screw driver or wooden spoon down the other end to kind of shove him out. I then realized that while he might make a great, natural, pipe cleaner, I probably had a better shot of really injuring him, that is, beyond the damage already done to both his health and dignity.

So, Ethan stuck his fingers down the tube, grabbed his back legs and gently pulled him out. He was limp… Ethan laid him carefully on the floor so we could get a good look at him, suddenly he sprang to life and ran down the hall in his weeble-wobble fashion. He’s pretty quick for a little fat-ass.

Now, he’s resting quietly, obviously traumatized by the whole event, and I have to go look for a replacement tube for my vacuum.

As my husband kindly pointed out, “A new hamster would be cheaper.”

Yes, but a new vacuum hose is easier on my conscience, thank you.

——————————————————————-

Here’s to you, little man and to the beautiful red-haired girl who loved you, thanks for being part of our family.

There are things I could discuss here this morning, but I won’t because they involve things so humiliating to me (at the moment) that I am not willing to bare my ass for your comedic pleasure. Sorry…

However, this morning I happened across my mom’s current post and it was directly relating to mine on Friday. It’s a good read - even if it is about yours truly and has a few between the lines swipes.

The good news is that mom saved my tail this time because I had NOTHING this morning. Not a damn thing; aside from a slightly annoyed husband who is glancing at the files on my desk while I am completely tuned in to the blogosphere for the moment.

Thanks to mom I now have something to address.

She has developed quite an inner circle of compadres in her blog world. They connect in a way that only they “get” and it works. I think it is quite odd that these people have known each other for possibly years and have never seen each other in the flesh. Oh they talk about the flesh..allot..blue humor…I cringe, but they seem to zing off of one another with the greatest of ease, and the loyalty to one another is impressive.

The internet has made our world smaller, much smaller. There was a time when one only had the opportunity to make friends with someone from another town, state, country if one traveled or became a pen pal or something like that. Today, the internet, the blogosphere allows us to connect with people that we have something in common with and might never have had the opportunity to explore those commonalities were it not for the internet.

Many posts have been done on this topic and they seem to range from it being a really good thing to being completely fake because you have the safe anonymity of being a faceless person behind a monitor.

Truthfully, no more or less faceless than the people we pass in the supermarket and have no recollection of seeing. Sure there are people out here who are full of it and manipulate their personality and how people see them for whatever end. Guess what? That happens in real life too.

We don’t show the same sides of ourselves to everyone. The way I am with my husband (shut up! Not like THAT) is not the way I am with a friend. The way I talk to my mom is not the way I talk to other people, we have a history that no one else can get because they weren’t there, the way I relate to Miss B is a combination of mutual respect, appreciation for someone who is in the same trenches that I fight in on a daily basis, and a sisterly love that comes from shared experiences as wives, mothers, and women.

I am digressing here a bit. What was my point? Ahh, yes. The internet has provided an outlet for someone like me who is pretty shy IRL (I hate that term) and for other reasons traditional social contact can be incredibly taxing. Not to mention the fact that while I don’t have time, typically, to get coffee or have lunch, I can usually fit in a conversation via phone or IM while I’m working. If it were not for the internet and the people I have never met in the flesh and yet somehow genuinely like far more than most people I have met in the flesh, I wouldn’t have the opportunity to converse and share ideas with people who share my interests and most of my opinions.

“Zing off each other with the greatest of ease…” - there is just something that clicks when you “meet” someone that you get and who gets you and the amount I have in common with my friends is, at times, surprising and inspiring all at once. There are a few of us who have only known each other for a matter of months and yet, it feels like years.

“and the loyalty to one another is impressive” - yes it is. The loyalty I have experienced with the people I have “never met” - is more genuine than the 95% of the “loyalty” I have been on the receiving end of from people who were supposedly my friends or family here in the flesh.

How does it go? You can pick your seat, you can pick your nose, you can pick your friends but you can’t pick your family.

True. Thank God I can pick my…

friends.

Wow, I am posting so late this morning!

Last night was one of those nights… lots of strange dreams, lots of scary dreams. Things I can’t quite remember or visualize still haunting me this morning. When I woke up Mike had already left to take the kids to school, so I sort of panicked for a second until I really came around and realized where he was. Not fun. (and no, I didn’t do any partying last night, I stayed very sober and painted the mantle above my fireplace)

My morning has since improved, dramatically! Ethan made coffee and Maggie has an awesome new routine upon waking, she announces at the top of the stairs, “Good morning, Mommy!” and then goes through the house wishing everyone a good morning. It’s very cool!

But, then she blew us away by coming in and reminding Mike that it was Friday. I’ve been working on the days of the week with her, but Friday is her favorite and she knew that TODAY was Friday and that everyone will be home this weekend.

In other news:

Whoop Whoop! I’m A Grown Up…

Yep, I’m all grown up now. Perhaps I should just do a quick rundown and make sure…

* Mortgage - check! (2 actually… fucking real estate market)

* Car Payments - check! (again 2…)

* House with real furniture, nothing on milk crates, etc. - Check!

* Children who are raised in a reasonably sane, loving, nurturing environment - *pause* uh… hmm… let’s see… well, they are all breathing and they have been fed, I’m going to call that a CHECK!!!

* Bills - gah! Check!

Ok, enough of that I almost drove myself to the brink with that list. Forget it.

The point of all this is to say that I am actually going to have a polite, adult dinner HERE at my house - Saturday night. I’m SO excited! Granted, it’s just one of my close friends (we’ve been friends for… OMG… 25 years, now I feel old and depressed, fabulous) but, instead of ordering pizza just so we can get to the drinking part faster - we’re going to have a nice dinner and conversation and sit at the table… and THEN drink! :twisted:

Which means I also have a crap-ton of house cleaning to do and work to finish up so I can have the weekend off…

Wow. I really am grown up.

Me, me, me, me….

Me, me, me, me…

Yep, it’s all about me. Yours truly and getting to know ME a little better. Something I’m always on a quest for - getting to know ME better… and now you can come along for the ride.

I read my horoscope daily, I’m an Aquarius. It’s one of my lovely little quirks. Recently I pulled up an astrological profile and it had some information that was really on target!

You are very strong-willed and proud, but intensely private and not easy to know well. Behind your quiet exterior lies a great deal of emotional depth, sensitivity, complexity, and also fierce determination. When you want something you go after it rather quietly but insistently and wholeheartedly - and you usually get it.

You are a freedom-loving, strong-willed, and independent-minded individual, and you insist upon living your own life as you see fit, even if that means ignoring convention and tradition. In personal relationships you cannot be owned or possessed, and while you are willing to share yourself with another, you do not always adjust easily to the emotional give and take of a close relationship. Though intellectually open, you can be enormously stubborn, opinionated, and inflexible on a one-to-one level. You have strong convictions and feelings about fairness and equality, and you try to live by your ideals, but your ideals about how people SHOULD treat one another don’t always take into account human weaknesses, differences, and needs. You probably dislike sentimentality and traditional gender roles and “games”.

That is pretty much me in a nutshell. Interesting, no?

Go get your own at Astrology.Com