Wow, this post seemed like such a great idea when I first thought of it. I somehow thought it would be cathartic or therapeutic or something. But, now that I am sitting here with a slight headache, no coffee, and a blank screen, I have no idea how to put the words in this little box.
There is no easy way to put this. You see, while I have had my head down, nose to the grindstone for… well, coming up on exactly 1 year, August first, my extended family has been falling apart.
No more gathering politely and diplomatically for the sake of the grandchildren on holidays, birthdays, etc. The parents (mine, who have been divorced since I was 13) don’t care to play nice anymore. And, here I even moved to a larger house so they could sit further apart at Christmas. Pfft, that’s gratitude for you.
You know the story of my sister. Recently she began leaving comments on my MySpace. No real emails or actual messages, just comments. Which, is fine, I suppose. At least it’s something, right? We haven’t actually spoken in quite some time. If you read the posts then you know she pulled herself away from the family.
Then there is my brother, GJ, and my son. The two are 6 months apart, have attended the same schools together their entire lives and the majority of the time were even in the same classes. These two were closer than close and, according to my son, best friends.
Something has changed over the last year or so. GJ is in the school choir and Ethan is on the cross country and track team. Both have excelled earning Varsity positions. They had a couple of classes together over the last year, but I don’t think there was a lot of interaction. Both seem to feel that the other is giving him the cold shoulder. My mother is convinced that I have some sort of inside knowledge of the whole affair and while I admit that Ethan and I are close, this is not something we have discussed at great length - aside from the whole “cold shoulder” aspect.
Actually, GJ is pretty pissed at me as well. You see, I didn’t make it to any of his concerts last year. I know, that makes me a pretty crappy sister and it’s not as if I don’t feel bad about it because I do. I really do. We didn’t start our business because we wanted to, we started it because we had to and it was the only means to continue supporting our family when my husband lost his job last year just two months after buying a brand new house. GJ has a right to his feelings. I respect that. I’ve apologized to him, personally, in fact, I believe it was about the same time that my mother and I hosted a shower for my friend, last fall. (just on the off chance that they do decide to read this and think that I made that last part up, gotta have times and dates some times, I suppose.)
Then there is my mother. We used to have coffee together every morning after we dropped the kids off at school. Sometimes we’d shop afterward sometimes we’d go for a walk… other times we’d get our coffee and get going because maybe she had a class or a mid-term to study for.
She graduated last year and suddenly had more available time. I moved, less than 5 minutes away and within 2 months of moving, Mike and I started a business. Suddenly, I had no extra time. Yes, I blog, sure I interact with friends online, but these are all things I can do without leaving my desk or the work (thank God for the work! work = $$$) that we now rely on 100% to provide our income.
My mom used to say that she read my blog to “keep up” with what was going on with me since we rarely talk anymore. The thing is, I don’t talk on the phone much at all. 99.9% of my communication both business and personal is done via IM and email.
Now, my mom says she finds my blog crude and offensive. Which is fine, my blog was never intended to be a blow-by-blow factual accounting of my life. Not that it isn’t factual, but this is my recreation, my downtime, my play ground. I never had any intention of it being utilized as a way to keep someone abreast of what was going on with me.
The truth is? I lead a pretty quiet, boring life. I love my family both immediate and extended. It’s not a matter of evolving, changing relationships, but maybe it is. It’s just… well, my family comes first which means that business comes first or the family isn’t provided for.
And yes, there are still long days. But, things are getting better, business is getting easier to manage and things are coming together a little easier. That doesn’t mean it isn’t work. And, it doesn’t mean that I don’t miss out on things with my own kids - because I have. And, sure, it’s always a choice… I suppose I could choose to be homeless as well.
But all the hard work, would have been a little easier with support instead of criticism, understanding instead of complaints, and tolerance instead of a belief that my work ethic was nothing more than a personal slight directed specifically at someone. Oh, and a pat on the back? That would have been greatly appreciated.
To my mother and brother, I love you both. I’m sorry if I’ve disappointed you. I’m sorry if you have been hurt. I’m sorry if over the past year I’ve seemed less than friendly. And I’m really very sorry that neither of you can understand.
And, right now? I’m too tired to go on worrying and fretting over it anymore and I’m just too freakin’ busy, stressed, and exhausted to make the effort to smooth it over. I can’t do it all. I just cant.