The Gay Bandito
Before our regularly scheduled programming, I’d like to let you in on an evening with Maggie. Another evening with Maggie. I want you to get an idea of what happens when I don’t step in.
I heard Mike say this in the other room - use your imagination as to what was going on:
“Put that down! Put it ON the table… whaddya doin’ with it THAT FULL?!?!?! WHO DID THAT?!?!?!”
A few minutes later, I hear Ethan:
“Maggie - PUT THAT DOWN!!!
To which Maggie responded,
“You… YOU GO SHUT UP ETHIP!!!! I not like you ANYmore!” (ANY is emphasized A LOT here)
The problem is that Maggie is like a wild animal. All of her senses are waiting at the ready for any flicker of light, any noise, any smell (especially if it smells like popcorn). So as she is yelling at Ethan, Katie casually walks into the room and picks up the cat, Liza, to take her to bed.
But, she wasn’t casual enough. Maggie has a keen sense for any form of subterfuge and she knew that something in her immediate vicinity was about to change. Maggie doesn’t like change. The universe is hers and hers alone. Thus the entire content thereof belongs to her as well.
“Katie… that is MY CAT. Put her down… right now.”
Kate made the mistake of ignoring Maggie. Maggie will not be ignored. Especially when she is in THIS particular mood. The next sound is coming from the stairs. Maggie is shrieking, sobbing, and has flung herself, dramatically, on the stairs.
“Liza… LIZAAAAAAAAA!!!” She sobbed, hysterically, sounding very much like Marlon Brando in Streetcar Named Desire… “STELLA” Only Maggie is yelling, “LIZA!!!!”
“Liza is MY cat… MINE! You… YOU DON’T touch me… Katie!! You are FIRED!!!! FIRED!!!!”
Fired. See what I mean? FIRED! The kid thinks she is Donald Trump and we don’t even watch The Apprentice!!! I was fired 4 times before dinner the other night.
So, I finally stepped in and sent her to her room. I don’t know why everyone else over complicates it. 
————————————————————–
Lewis Black is my all-time favorite comedian. I love him. Enjoy!!!
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January 24, 2008 @ 3:55 am
Wow…Maggie is quite the force to be reckoned with.
You are spot on about Lewis Black. I’ve got all his stuff. He’s brilliant.
January 24, 2008 @ 5:24 am
I now have a craving for all things Lewis Black.
This was amazing.
I’ve decided I am terrified of Maggie.
January 24, 2008 @ 6:18 am
“So, I finally stepped in and sent her to her room, where she created a voodoo doll of me and proceeded to make me fall down the stairs, break both arms and get a concussion.”
I finished your post for you.
January 24, 2008 @ 6:41 am
Your kids are sooo cute!
January 24, 2008 @ 9:46 am
Fab - She’s uh, hmm… well, she’s like Britt, she has a very strong personality. I suspect that one day her husband will tell her that people either love her or hate her - there is no middle ground.
Miss B - Lewis Black is the absolute BOMB. I seriously, seriously :heartbeat: him.
And, please. You aren’t afraid of anything!
Avi - :lmao: or… and later that night, when she snuck into our bed she attempted to smother me with one of her stuffed animals. I’m still picking teddy bear lint out of my teeth!
The Absurdist - Really? You think so? Hmmm, what are you smoking and will you share some?
January 24, 2008 @ 10:17 am
re: your comment to Fab
Oh that just kills me. Makes me want to swoop her up and keep her away from all the people who will eventually be mean to her.
Then, of course, she will probably bite me. But still.
January 24, 2008 @ 10:21 am
:omg:
She would NOT bite you. She doesn’t bite… anymore.
January 24, 2008 @ 2:36 pm
Mom - Your fired! I can just imagine her saying that to you! :lmfao:
January 24, 2008 @ 4:16 pm
Well, it’s easy for me to say they are cute, because I am probably 1100 miles away from you, I don’t have kids, and your stories are cute.
:D
January 24, 2008 @ 5:45 pm
My kids haven’t fired me yet. But I have been dismissed thoroughly. My two year old regularly tells me “goodbye, mommy,” when he’s ready to play by himself.
January 24, 2008 @ 6:03 pm
Hehehe I get fired alot to… :wave:
January 24, 2008 @ 6:42 pm
oh man i love me some Lewis. i watched him recently in that Robin Williams movie about being president and he was the only thing, clearly, that was worth remembering.
January 24, 2008 @ 7:41 pm
OMG too funny. My kids and husband fire me all the time but unfortunately, they never mean it and I CAN’T LEAVE.
January 24, 2008 @ 8:00 pm
Could you please hairspray Maggie’s hair into a Donald ‘do? Please? This is all I can picture now.
January 24, 2008 @ 8:25 pm
That sounds hilarious!! I now have STEEELLLAAAA!! Stuck in my head…Thanks! :lmao:
January 24, 2008 @ 10:17 pm
Gawd have I been fired soooooooo many times!!