It Doesn’t Mean You’re Not A Dick
Posted By AmyD. on March 26, 2008
This is why people don’t talk about this stuff. This is why no one wants to admit they have or are on anti-depressants. I have anxiety and depression it does not mean that I don’t have legitimate reasons to be angry or hurt. And yet, somehow, that’s what it all comes around to.
“You’re so emotional.”
“You’re just overreacting.”
“I don’t understand how you could take it THAT way.”
“I’m just not sure that it’s such a good idea, I mean, with how you’ve been and all.”
“I talk to a lot of people and nobody would take that the way you did.”
That’s why it took me so long to even talk about it and why I have skirted around it but never really discussed it blatantly.
Medication for chemicals that are out of whack = A perfect scapegoat to invalidate every feeling you have.
And, when it is someone you LOVE doing it do you. Well, that just makes you want to say “fuck all of this, I’m done.”
Look, I’ve been through some tight situations. I’ve been in bad, bad spots that have NOTHING at all to do with depression or anxiety. I came through them just fine. But, after years of utter, emotional bullshit and stress… it just finally broke.
But, that doesn’t mean that every thought, opinion, or feeling I have is no longer credible.
I realize now why someone I know just dumped all of their meds. I hear that. I’ve tried it. That thought process makes sense to me and all of this is the very reason why some people don’t want to get the help they need because somewhere out there – someone is going to discount them and invalidate them because they are taking a pill every night. So I get that, “Maybe if I’m not on the medication he/she/they will take me seriously. Maybe someone will LISTEN to me and actually HEAR me. Maybe… maybe… maybe.”
Sometimes feeling better isn’t better. Sometimes you feel better until you talk to someone who thinks you are a little :nuts:
And, when that person is someone important in your life. It breaks your heart. It breaks your will and it kills your spirit.
I love that so many of you people out there have experienced this type of thing. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy and yet, I’m grateful that someone understands the experience. But, I often wonder if we aren’t all out here for the same reason. You don’t live with me, I don’t live with you, you don’t know about the time I got really pissed and threw a gardening hand shovel at my husband (uh, well, guess you do now) and after reading my posts and my thoughts and maybe exchanging emails, when I bust out with “Oh yeah, I’m on Lexapro, I have anxiety and depression” it might not necessarily be a blow to my credibility with you.
But, for the people who know me and come into my house and see me daily or almost daily – it’s different. I get to hear about how over the last year I’ve really changed.
Well, I’ve been on meds for this condition since early 2005. The changes over the last year? Aside from business stress and being a business partner AND wife to your husband, it’s a combination and ultimately a “straw that broke the camel’s back” situation comprised of:
A.) Not being taken seriously. People telling me that I have panic attacks because I’m “not grateful for the many blessings in my life.”
B.) Being ignored when I am so overwhelmed with stress that I can’t even form a coherent thought stream.
C.) Constant invalidation because of my problem which clearly means that I am not capable of having a rational thought or actual valid complaint or issue.
When you get to the point where you keep trying and trying to talk, vent, discuss and someone blows you off and dismisses you – eventually you start screaming. Hoping that by sheer volume someone will just listen and hear you, maybe even care and understand.
Instead… you look more “off” because you are screaming and no matter how many times you say, “You don’t LISTEN to me! You don’t HEAR ME!!!!” you are just looked at like a freak.
Sometimes, I’m pretty sure that the only energy I have left is what I am going to use to keep my mouth shut and put it all back in the closet because it’s become plainly obvious to me that communication is just a dead end.
Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.
About The Author
Amy,
I’m really proud of you for writing this. For YOUR sake.
And yes, I know the screaming because God you just NEED to be heard. And when that doesn’t work, the throwing, the slamming – the ANYTHING to not be ignored.
You know this was part of the reason I didn’t want to get anti-depressants. The funny thing is, since getting them I trust myself MORE because I can tell I’m more in control of my emotions. And if Jared brings something up I say “yeah, well, that’s before I was medicated.” LOL
OXOXOXOOXOXXO
I hear you Amy.
I will always, always be here to hear you.
And you are NOT crazy.
You need to matter.
Love you.
Reply
:heartbeat: :fishwhack:
Reply
Oops. meant to click :heartbeat: twice!
Reply
amy,
you are the only one who can ever EVER know who YOU are. nothing anybody else says to you in an attempt to DEFINE you is EVER right. it is all filtered through the bullshit in their OWN head and has nothing to do with you. read “Don’t Take Anything Personally” in TFA. keep reading that until it sinks in. everything being thrown at you is not ABOUT you.
the fact is, human beings are allowed to be vulnerable, to be sad, to get angry, to yell. i’d venture to guess the people you live with do it quite a lot, too. maybe the next time THEY exhibit some vulnerability you should tell them to take meds!
ALL facets of you are beautiful. YOU need to discover that for YOU. once you are more anchored interiorly these other things will have less import. so even if you don’t “feel” like it, find a way today (just ONE way) to make yourself happy. to get that “zing-zing”. to feed your spirit and your inner self. remove yourself from the darkness or the crap that’s been going on and BE GOOD TO YOU.
nobody else will treat you as well as you can treat yourself.
Reply
Amy,
Thank you for putting into words what my life is like as well. I am forever asking myself..is this a normal reaction or a bipolar reaction? Am I justified to feel pissed off, depressed, excited, whatever or is it a mood swing? Am I being logical or crazy?
And people tip toe around, because they never know how you will react. They never know what will set me off. And I hate that for them.
Even with the meds I’m much better but the doubt still lingers in their minds…. *sigh*
Reply
Wow.
So many thoughts to put into words.
Bottom line, I find you utterly amazing.
Beamer
Reply
Avi- Sure you meant to hit :heartbeat: twice. I wouldn’t mind beating whoever is treating Amy like this over the head with a fish. Actually, I think I might enjoy it quite a bit. . .
Ames- I hate to say it, but I’m afraid people always look to something other than themselves to be the problem. If you aren’t on medication, then it’s that time of the month, or you need a glass of wine, or a chunck of chocolate, or a freaking chill pill, or you need to pull yourself up by the bootstraps. It isn’t the fact that they aren’t listening that’s the issue to them, it’s YOUR problem, not theirs. Yeah, well, tough shit for them, it IS their problem and if they would like for it to get fixed, they need to open their FUCKING EYES.
Sorry, that one hit a nerve for me.
Reply
Holy shit. We’re you riding in the truck with Mark and I Monday? Because, omg – you just posted pretty much my whole Monday. Including the words – Sometimes the only way to get you to listen to me is for me to yell. :flaming:
I swear – I am going to make Mark read this post. Thank you. :greatone:
Reply
I think that there are just some people who don’t want to be wrong, no matter what trick they have to pull to put the blame on the other person. I grew up with one of these people for a mother and there are times when I feel like Will can be this way too.
I think that you are brave to blog about this.
After all, even if the person you love is going to be a giant impotent (and therefore extra cranky) dick about things you know that you still have all of us 
Reply
Lots of hugs.
Reply
Miss B – :heartbeat: Thanks Sweetie! You are absolutely awesome.
Avi – :lurve: :heartbeat: :lurve:
Crys – Have I told you lately how much I appreciate you? You are a brilliant, brilliant woman and I hope someday to be half as brilliant as you are. :greatone:
Becky: I hear you. Boy, do I hear you. I’m finding that it’s not so bad to blog about this stuff from time to time. I sure as hell feel better and if it helps anyone else than even if it didn’t make me feel better – helping someone else definitely would. :thanks:
Beamer: :coffee: I don’t know how accurate amazing is, but it sure is nice to hear. Thank you!
Cranky Amy: :smooch: Well, you know, grownups say that violence is never an answer… I say anything that makes you feel better should be considered as an answer. :toya:
I hear you on all of it. At some point, I wish we could all just respect each other’s feelings and understand that even if we don’t necessarily agree, it’s nice to know that someone still cares about our thoughts and respects them as well.
Crazy Lady: Is the wind blowing it through Bakersfield right into Las Vegas?
:tirade: :heartbeat: :heartbeat:
Erin: :thumbsup: I don’t know about brave. Pissed? Crazy (
)? Lacking all common sense and dignity? Quite possibly all of the above?
*sigh* Maybe brave is in the eye of the beholder. :rotflmao:
Jen :thanks: really, really :thanks:
Reply
And, when it is someone you LOVE doing it do you. Well, that just makes you want to say “fuck all of this, I’m done.” Agh, so true…
Reply
Chickie – :smooch: :heartbeat: :heartbeat: :martini:
Reply
Damn, you’ve gone and made me cry again. Both for your sake and for my own… You’ve given voice to every reason I’ve been a complete coward about getting help for myself, which may or may not involve my being put on meds.
Reply
Tense: I’m so sorry to hear that. Everyone has good days and bad days, even on meds. For the most part, I really believe the meds are worth feeling like this from time to time. Email me if you need to talk. :heartbeat:
Reply
:boom:
I take three mood stabilisers a day an sometimes it still isnt enough I use Cognitive behavioural therapy and as many tools as I can equip myself with and having come back from the brink of no confidence self esteem or will to live I really feel for you
You need to have people around you that understand you for all of you no matter what that entails I am sometimes too open about my Bipolar and all its ups and downs but this has come from a need to weed out the good from the bad seeing someone who you thought was a friend disapate into the shadows because they are tarnishing you as a fucking fruit loop with out asking questions or even googling can be enough
Hugs
Be well
L
Reply
Hey, just wanted to say I’m thinking of you. I had a spell of panic attacks back in college (pretty understandably considering what I was going through) but when I tried to tell people they were panic attacks, I was told back that I was just stressed because I wasn’t working hard enough on my school work. Grr. That was frustrating as all get out and I can’t imagine people giving me the brush off regarding my health on a consistent basis. Fist of Indignation lifted and shaken in your honor. I’m sorry, Amy.
Reply
I just foudn you today, and I think we have more than first names in common. I was on meds for a year after the birth of my third child (post-partum) and reading this post brought it all back. My favorite was my husband asking me if had forgotten to take my meds whenever I reacted to anything in an other than perky/happy way. You have found yourself a new reader. :thumbsup:
Amy H.
Reply
Amy,
Although, I have found your article nearly two year’s after you’ve written it, I could not have found it at a better time. I lived with my ex-boyfriend for a year and I can only remember one or two times I ever felt heard, validated, or that my opinion was respected and truly mattered. I am reflecting today, because although he moved out 7 months ago, (in his words our relationship was ‘too stressful’ for him) we still are talking. And, as he continues to ‘write’ his emails to me, we could be together if:
-I weren’t soo emotional
-I wasn’t so needy
-I wasn’t so demanding
-If I didn’t have so many expectations
-If I didn’t yell and scream
-If I would admit I have anger management problems
-If I were happy with ‘myself’
-Etc. Etc. Etc. !
I tried talking to him very early in our relationship regarding hearing my point of view. He’s such a terrible listener, that when I start a sentence and he disagrees with it, he can not contain himself and blurts out his defense. I’ve never heard him once say that he was wrong about anything. He’s half-arsed remarked, ‘yeah, I know I could be a better listener’..but, doesn’t change any of it. I’ve researched articles on the internet for both of us to communicate better, and he dismissed every attempt as “he doesn’t need random people telling him how to have a conversation”. It’s been a really frustrating year. I have made my share of mistakes, and lost my temper quite a few times. I remember rolling over in bed one night and straddling him, covering his mouth with my hand saying “why can’t you just listen to me???” and, then I do yell, because he’s constantly interjecting and talking over me. I get hurt, upset and cry about it and then only blamed for the yelling or violent behavior. (ive pushed him out of my way before, punched in him the arm, etc.) Nothing seems to stop this madness. Last night, I was crying again pleading with him to just hear me.. he kept speaking louder and louder simply saying my name repeately so I could not be heard. This is so hurtful. Finally, he calls me crazy (because I am screaming over him), I need ‘therapy’, and he’s going to send the ‘men in the little white coats’ to come and get me because he’s in fear I’ll harm myself!
Your title fits perfectly. “It doesn’t mean, he’s not a Dick”.
Thank you!
Reply