This is why people don’t talk about this stuff. This is why no one wants to admit they have or are on anti-depressants. I have anxiety and depression it does not mean that I don’t have legitimate reasons to be angry or hurt. And yet, somehow, that’s what it all comes around to.
“You’re so emotional.”
“You’re just overreacting.”
“I don’t understand how you could take it THAT way.”
“I’m just not sure that it’s such a good idea, I mean, with how you’ve been and all.”
“I talk to a lot of people and nobody would take that the way you did.”
That’s why it took me so long to even talk about it and why I have skirted around it but never really discussed it blatantly.
Medication for chemicals that are out of whack = A perfect scapegoat to invalidate every feeling you have.
And, when it is someone you LOVE doing it do you. Well, that just makes you want to say “fuck all of this, I’m done.”
Look, I’ve been through some tight situations. I’ve been in bad, bad spots that have NOTHING at all to do with depression or anxiety. I came through them just fine. But, after years of utter, emotional bullshit and stress… it just finally broke.
But, that doesn’t mean that every thought, opinion, or feeling I have is no longer credible.
I realize now why someone I know just dumped all of their meds. I hear that. I’ve tried it. That thought process makes sense to me and all of this is the very reason why some people don’t want to get the help they need because somewhere out there - someone is going to discount them and invalidate them because they are taking a pill every night. So I get that, “Maybe if I’m not on the medication he/she/they will take me seriously. Maybe someone will LISTEN to me and actually HEAR me. Maybe… maybe… maybe.”
Sometimes feeling better isn’t better. Sometimes you feel better until you talk to someone who thinks you are a little 
And, when that person is someone important in your life. It breaks your heart. It breaks your will and it kills your spirit.
I love that so many of you people out there have experienced this type of thing. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy and yet, I’m grateful that someone understands the experience. But, I often wonder if we aren’t all out here for the same reason. You don’t live with me, I don’t live with you, you don’t know about the time I got really pissed and threw a gardening hand shovel at my husband (uh, well, guess you do now) and after reading my posts and my thoughts and maybe exchanging emails, when I bust out with “Oh yeah, I’m on Lexapro, I have anxiety and depression” it might not necessarily be a blow to my credibility with you.
But, for the people who know me and come into my house and see me daily or almost daily - it’s different. I get to hear about how over the last year I’ve really changed.
Well, I’ve been on meds for this condition since early 2005. The changes over the last year? Aside from business stress and being a business partner AND wife to your husband, it’s a combination and ultimately a “straw that broke the camel’s back” situation comprised of:
A.) Not being taken seriously. People telling me that I have panic attacks because I’m “not grateful for the many blessings in my life.”
B.) Being ignored when I am so overwhelmed with stress that I can’t even form a coherent thought stream.
C.) Constant invalidation because of my problem which clearly means that I am not capable of having a rational thought or actual valid complaint or issue.
When you get to the point where you keep trying and trying to talk, vent, discuss and someone blows you off and dismisses you - eventually you start screaming. Hoping that by sheer volume someone will just listen and hear you, maybe even care and understand.
Instead… you look more “off” because you are screaming and no matter how many times you say, “You don’t LISTEN to me! You don’t HEAR ME!!!!” you are just looked at like a freak.
Sometimes, I’m pretty sure that the only energy I have left is what I am going to use to keep my mouth shut and put it all back in the closet because it’s become plainly obvious to me that communication is just a dead end.
|
|
|
March 26th, 2008
|
|
|
|
|
|
| |
I don’t know how accurate amazing is, but it sure is nice to hear. Thank you!
Well, you know, grownups say that violence is never an answer… I say anything that makes you feel better should be considered as an answer. 
I don’t know about brave. Pissed? Crazy ( 
