Something’s Gotta Give
Sometimes I sit here and wish for a life changing epiphany. A small glimmer of hope inside still waits for that giant cosmic light bulb to go off. Sometimes I feel like I am on the edge of the diving board just waiting for that sudden urge to leap into the pool, but something keeps telling me to wait. Just wait, it’s not quite right yet.
Then the next moment I feel very foolish, I look around and realize that this MIGHT be as good as it gets. This might just be the pinnacle of it all. That’s when that little voice pops up and says, “No, it’s not… just waiiiiiiittttt and seeeeeeee.”
And, maybe, just maybe, this isn’t such a bad place to wait.
But, I’m not a very patient person. I’m really not. Sure, I’ve worked on it from time to time, but I’ve never really mastered the art of patience, regardless of how much of a virtue it may be. Patience just doesn’t seem to be part of my skill set.
I’m more of the take charge, “no, no, no, do it THIS way,” be proactive kind of person. I hate feeling helpless and I don’t like to ask for help. Somehow waiting these days feels a lot like helpless. Not hopeless, just helpless.
That feeling of “there is nothing you can do but sit by and wait.” God forbid anyone I love or care about falls into a coma (isn’t that an odd phrase, FALL into a coma, like “woah, Johnny, don’t trip there, you might fall into a coma!”) because I would not be able to just sit there and wait. I’d be the person with the comatose person in the wheelchair wheeling them around the mall going, “But you LOVE this store!!!!” And, I’d be playing yoga videos and twisting their unconscious body into also sorts of positions. That’s me… I’m a “take action” kind of gal.
Still, here I am. Waiting. I’ve double checked the list, there are two maybe three more things I can do and then, I’m going to be in “twiddle my thumbs” mode, emotionally/mentally. Just waiting… to see if it works out. To see if maybe time can do what I can’t. But, that might be tough because time also seems to be in short supply.
*Sigh*
And, so I wait. And hope.
The one big difference? For the first time in a very, very, long time, I’m ok with it. Which I don’t understand because it isn’t me, at all. Which, can only mean one thing, really:
I’m obviously in denial.
|
|
|
April 28th, 2008
|
|
|
|
|
|
| |
A real reputable business. I wanted to strangle my mom. noose 
