Everything. OK! I’ll talk! In third grade, I cheated on my history exam. In fourth grade, I stole my uncle Max’s toupee and I glued it on my face when I was Moses in my Hebrew School play. In fifth grade, I knocked my sister Edie down the stairs and I blamed it on the dog…When my mom sent me to the summer camp for fat kids and then they served lunch I got nuts and I pigged out and they kicked me out…But the worst thing I ever done — I mixed a pot of fake puke at home and then I went to this movie theater, hid the puke in my jacket, climbed up to the balcony and then, t-t-then, I made a noise like this: hua-hua-hua-huaaaaaaa — and then I dumped it over the side, all over the people in the audience. And then, this was horrible, all the people started getting sick and throwing up all over each other. I never felt so bad in my entire life.”- Chunk, “Goonies”

No, no, no… not really.

In my past lives I was a:

Dental Assistant

Dental Office Manager

Internet Marketer

Stay At Home Mom

Business Owner*

Hopelessly addicted blogger*

* Currently

I’m a 30-something woman who is trying to evolve into some kind of unattainable perfection. Until that moment of enlightenment I’m sarcastic, opinionated, reserve the right to use foul language profusely when necessary, and usually always have something to say no matter how completely asinine it might be.

Punctuation is not my strong suit and I admit it, so if it is War and Peace or Wuthering Heights you are looking for… keep moving.

I do my level best to provide correct spelling and grammar because I know I recognize it when I see it and don’t want someone thinking “holy cow! What an uneducated dipshit” when they read my (well intentioned) mistakes. I over use … and regularly abuse ( ), -, ” “, and !!! but that’s me and most of the time I write just like I talk, which is a tip I took from Stephen King (”Stephen King on Writing” it’s a great read).

My family is unconventional, my kids are taught to be opinionated and informed, so some of the stories you’ll hear about on this blog might raise your hair a bit, but trust me, I’ve got very well-adjusted kids… My motto is “Normal People Worry Me.” because they absolutely do.