Ok, I have several videos coming down the pike here. All pretty funny stuff, but I had a busy weekend and just haven’t had the time to do all the fun, fancy stuff to them yet.

In other news, two more second-hand pets have found us. Two lovely bunnies, a black and white girl (Kate named her Oreo) and a white Cadbury-like bunny that Maggie has named Twelby. Oreo is pretty bitchy and appears to be under the impression that she can take any one of us if she really wanted to and she’s the little one!

Twelby is a doll. Super sweet and he loves to be scratched and loved on.

Thanks to my MIL who spent some time researching instead of doing what WE did which was to believe someone from the city that they knew what they were talking about, the following was found yesterday:

6.08.010 Keeping prohibited—Exception.
It is unlawful for any person to keep or have under their care, custody or control, either as owner or otherwise, any chickens, ducks, geese, or poultry or fowl of any kind whatsoever, within the city, unless same are kept securely enclosed in a yard or pen at all times. (Prior code § 9.02.010)

We had two, tiny, bantam chickens. They were not capable of leaping the fences (which are over 6 feet tall) they were secure within our backyard and spent 80% of their time UNDER the butterfly bush. The following is the email I sent off last night to the gentleman who showed up and fed us a load of bullshit regarding our pets.

We researched the City Code here -
http://www.qualitycodepublishing.com/codes/bakersfield/

6.08.010 Keeping prohibited—Exception.

It is unlawful for any person to keep or have under their care, custody or control, either as owner or otherwise, any chickens, ducks, geese, or poultry or fowl of any kind whatsoever, within the city, unless same are kept securely enclosed in a yard or pen at all times. (Prior code § 9.02.010)

——————-

Our bantam chickens were SECURE within our yard. You saw for yourself that they were kept securely within our yard. According to this code here - we were well within our rights and now we have had to deal with our 4 year old absolutely heartbroken at the loss of her beloved pets.

Can you please explain to us why you led us to believe that we were doing something that was against code? Is this a change in the code you were unaware of?

Mike and I would appreciate a response and explanation regarding this. Furthermore, I would be interested in knowing who made this complaint as it does appear to lack legitimacy in light of this code.

Thank you for your help in this matter,

Mike and Amy Doran

Maggie has been absolutely heartbroken over Chickie being gone. We had to deal with her SOBBING most of the day when they were taken away. The anger I am feeling right now is nearly quadrupled to what I felt on Monday.

I cannot begin to tell you how STUPID I feel. After all the years I have spent not taking anyone’s word for something, always researching it myself, I stupidly saw a badge and took the jerk’s word for it. You have no idea how ignorant I feel right now. Why I didn’t research this immediately before giving up Hank and Chickie, I just don’t know. I just couldn’t believe that someone who is supposed to enforce the municipal code either didn’t know it or lied his ass off.

Either way, this is my fault, ultimately, because I didn’t investigate my own rights. That will be the last time I EVER make a mistake like this, I can tell you that.

Either to avenge my daughter’s broken heart or the injury to my pride, I’m telling you, I want BLOOD now.

*WARNING*
For those of you who are new around here or are under the impression that I am a nice person. I just want you to know that I am, but I am about to lose my shit in the following paragraphs and I just don’t want you to hold it against me. You’ve been warned. - Oh, and fair warning, sarcastic comments probably won’t be looked at kindly today. Just so you know.

You know what? I’m goddamn done being the nice guy, being the bigger person. And so help me God, someone is going to pay for this garbage in a big, fat, ugly, ass raped, burn for eternity in hell kind of way.

We do not have a home owner’s association. Thank God, around here they are pretty much nothing but trouble and complete bullshit.

My front yard? Is immaculate. I’d post pictures but I’m too fucking pissed to go outside right now, because if IF I see a neighbor look at me so much as slightly crossway I’m going to light their ass up bigger than any fucking 4th of July barbecue.

My backyard? IMMACULATE. Slightly immature, but what do you expect for a yard that is only a year old?

We have a 1964 Chevy truck in our driveway. It won’t fit in the garage, it’s 4-wheel drive, and primer gray. We don’t drive it because a.) it’s my son’s truck, waiting for time for he and his father to make it pretty again (also it was owned by my FIL originally and passed down to Mike) and b.) umm, it doesn’t have appropriate seat belts and WHY in God’s name would we drive it around when we have two vehicles of our own and our son does not have a license yet, hmmm? Essentially, it’s a classic that just needs to be restored.

Some stupid, fucking, cockwadding, asswiping, numbfuck, twatsicle neighbor called to complain to the city about the truck and the two bantam chickens in the backyard. Oh yes, the TWO, TINY chickens in the backyard that control unwanted pests and are totally a GREEN FRIENDLY SAVE THE ENVIRONMENT (there is currently a bill they are trying to get passed to allow this for home gardeners) alternative to spraying chemicals around our children and further polluting the planet.

The guy from the city? Thought it was funny actually. Considering there are train tracks nearby and non-fucking stop construction from the construction crews who refuse to wait until their 7am start time to start building the fucking houses on the lots that line the back of our property. He walked into a lovely backyard with butterflies buzzing around, daylilies in bloom, and two adorable chickens nesting under the butterfly bush.

Two chickens that I have to get rid of TODAY and THEN call this guy back out to ensure that we did it.

If I find out which neighbor it was - God help them. I will make their lives a living hell.

How about the neighbors in the cul-de-sac who have lined their fucking front porch with hideous looking plants and LEFT THEM in the ugly black containers from the nursery so it looks like a weed (and not the good kind) factory behind their stupid ass looking fountain and house that they have fronted with four different kinds of mismatched rocks that looks like a design nightmare straight from hell.

Or perhaps the neighbor two doors over with the 8 foot weed in her front bed and backyard that is nothing but dirt - when our purchase contracts state that we have to put in a backyard within a year of occupying the property?

Oh wait.. or maybe the neighbors behind us who threw a big ass party with cars lined up and down the streets and then several party goers pulled up with a flat bed trailer and started loading up lumber from the construction site? (Mike called the police on that one)

Or the neighbor across the street who NEVER MOVED in and has 6 foot weeds in the backyard and beds overflowing with weeds in the front yard?

Oh wait, let’s not even mention the stupid fucks in the cul-de-sac who bought a house that is terra cotta and GRAY only to paint the door flaming fucking twat-wad red? Hmmmm?

Or the nine houses on the streets around us where no one is mowing their damn lawn?

Or the house next door that is not foreclosed on (YET) and the backyard has HUGE weeds growing in it that I have to look at every time I fucking go out on the deck.

OR the fucking neighbor two doors over with 3 full size Dobermans (and at least one more small dog) that bark NON FUCKING STOP? It’s not even legal to have that many dogs here and why would you put 3 HUGE dogs in a tiny dog run in a tiny backyard anyway? And the BARKING? Did I mention the constant BARKING?

But NO, immaculate front yard and very pretty backyard owning US - get harassed.

I’m livid. I love this house but all the neighbors can go suck a rotten cock for all I care.

UPDATE
Although not much of one. Mike was in contact with another gentleman (from the same part of town we are in) who has close to an acre (zoned for livestock) where he has bunnies and bantam chickens. He is more than happy to come and pick up Hank and Chickie. We’re just happy to have found a home that will treat them as kindly as we have. Although, that is little consolation. I’m going to miss going out and talking to Chickie and petting her. She coos so pretty when you pet her.

Of course, this does little to quell my deep desire for revenge. I’m trying to work through the anger but it’s pretty hard. My neighbor next door couldn’t believe it. She’s of the “Nancy Drew” nature, so maybe she’ll find something out. As it stands, I can’t say for sure it’s a neighbor, maybe it was one of the builder’s employees, maybe it was someone in the sales office, it could just have been some “Johnny Rulebook” who happened to walk by.

But, if I find out who it was…

My kids are in Oahu for 7 days. Well, less than that now since they’ll be back on Tuesday.

Tropical paradise… I’m trying not to envy the little bastards but it’s getting hard.
Especially when I receive things like this on my cell phone:

My lovely daughter sent me that their first night there. It’s the view from their hotel room.

*sigh*

All I know is that if I don’t get a couple of boxes of chocolate covered Macadamia nuts out of this someone is going to catch hell. In the meantime, it’s just Mike, Maggie and I. Oh, and occasionally Tim who we’ve sort of just adopted. I’m moving up from animals back up off me, man!

Tuesday night Maggie let the stupid bird out of his cage. He flew into the ceiling fan, got caught in the wind current, was thrown into the wall and landed on the back of the couch. He sat there looking rather stunned and shaking his head. Thank God Liza was asleep and missed it because I don’t think he’d have lasted long. I think that bird was not blessed with the normal brain birds get.

Yesterday we were going to take Maggs to the movies. Kung Fu Panda. Maggie got up around 9am and went back to bed at 11, slept until almost 2, woke up and went back to sleep on the couch until around 5 when she woke up and promptly puked. After that she was back in the game 100% - twenty minutes after puking she had let Sophie loose and I found Sophie standing up on her hind legs barking at Tim.

I think she was totally getting off on someone being intimidated by her! They (Ethan and Tim) both swear that Sophie has bit them… I don’t believe it for a second. My little angel wouldn’t ever do that!

I have a dog. I like him. But, I’m really not a dog person. Dogs are the animal world’s version of a suck up. They have the potential to like everybody (maybe that’s why I like my dog, he really doesn’t like everybody) and they will come up to you and roll over and act all submissive. Cats won’t do that.

When a dog walks up to you and barks, looking like he has something important to tell you, you say, “What is it? Did Timmy fall down the well again? Does Timmy need help?”

When a cat walks up to you and meows like that you say, “What? Did Timmy fall down the well? Do we need to go laugh at his stupid ass?”

That is how a cat rolls. There is no help there, just a constant stream of mockery and disgust.

My cat will hide at the top of the stairs (on the banister) and attack you as you go up or down the stairs. Do you think she cares if she scares the bejeezus out of someone and makes them fall down the stairs? Hell no! She’s HOPING for that! Broken leg? That’s ICING on the cake!!

Then there is Ethan’s cat. She’ll look very sweet and will actually walk up to you and lay down on the floor and stretch as if inviting you to rub her belly or something. Less intelligent people have tried. They have subsequently required band-aids and copious amounts of hydrogen peroxide.

Zander will wait cautiously for you to do something stupid, like leave your hot dog within reach. Liza will walk right up to you, leap onto the desk and decide to drink all of your iced tea and doesn’t care whether you are sitting there or not. In fact, she’ll stick her paw into your glass to ensure that you will no longer be using the damn thing. It’s the cat version of the old human trick of licking the last piece of pizza so no one eats it. It’s not a dumb thing - it’s a ballsy thing.

Liza has convinced the parakeet that she is his friend. I kid you not. That bird hates ALL of us except Maggie and Liza. Liza will go up to the cage and start purring and the stupid bird DANCES for her and runs over to the side of the cage chirping happily as if she is a very good friend. We feed that stupid bird, we clean up after it and the little bastard still runs from us every time we go near the cage. If the vacuum cleaner is ran too close to his cage he falls of the damn perch.

The rest of us clearly understand that Liza is totally hoping to score her first kill and this is all one long, well thought out plan of attack that has very unique (and obviously successful) emotional components. That freaking bird TRUSTS her. He makes kissy noises at her.

Which tells you smart that bird is. He kisses the cat, imitates the coffee grinder, and falls off his perch at the first sound of the vacuum.

Look, I’m a super protective mother. Violently protective if properly provoked. I will do almost anything for my children (except make their beds and clean their bathroom).

So it took me by surprise when Maggie tested me yesterday.

Maggie was playing with Brie (that would be the mouse, named after the cheese, isn’t that cute?). Maggie had been playing with Brie ALL AFTERNOON, while we cleaned out Brie’s cage, Sophie’s cage, and other assorted icky, having to do with poop, outdoor chores.

Brie was getting tired of it. For a mouse, the little thing is very docile and patient. Hard qualities to find in a mouse. But, even this mouse has limits and Brie reached hers. She bit into Maggie’s finger in a clear attempt to let Maggie know that she had no intention of going head to head with Maggie’s rubber lizard.

I don’t blame her because this is how the Lizard ended up the LAST time Maggie played with it:

So Brie bit Maggie. Maggie FLIPPED out. You would have thought she had just survived a grizzly attack in the backyard or something! But, I grabbed her, Kate rescued Brie and I ran Maggie to the downstairs bathroom to wash her hand and put a Dora band aid on it.

Only I was stopped in my tracks. Er, well, the DOOR stopped in its tracks.

Something was in the way. It was my CAT, Liza, crammed into Molly’s cat carrier and then locked in the dark bathroom!!!!!

And, there is only ONE person who would do that. The one person who might be a bit fed up with assaults on her beanie baby animals, her bird, and her mouse. Maggie.

Needless to say, I did what ANY good mother would do. I left Maggie screaming in the hall to rescue my poor baby who had been trapped for at least TWO HOURS in the bathroom, probably longer. Do you have any idea how hard it is to console a child who has it in for your favorite person in the house cat? It’s DAMN hard. In fact it comes out a lot like this:

“Margaret Kay!!! WHAT did you DO to Liza?!?!?! Maggie! How many times have I told you NOT to do that… stop crying… do you hear me STOP crying… look what you DID to her!!! Stop crying….”

Which is why I let Mike do the consoling.

Yeah, yeah, I washed her hand and got it bandaged. The paper cut I had last week was way worse anyway.

Damn kids.

The pets have gone crazy this year. I have no idea what’s happened to them. Zander killed another chicken, which leaves us with two, Kodak and Chickie. I don’t know what has gotten in to that dog, I’m absolutely shocked at his behavior because he’s just not like that. Well, not until now anyway.

Then there’s Liza who loves Sophie (and not in that, gee, what’s for dinner? kind of way) but wants Maggie’s mouse (officially named Brie) like a crack whore needs a fix!

We won’t begin to mention the bitchy, pissy birds. Apparently they are the parakeet version of the Odd Couple (at one point we thought about naming them Felix and Oscar) because they bitch and argue NONSTOP. Thank God my MIL missed the dark blue parakeet (named Baby, trust me, he’s more of an Oscar than a baby! LOL) and decided to take him back. So, we’re keeping the light blue parakeet, who seems far happier with the cage to himself, but Maggie has insisted on naming him, Hawk.

Kinda like naming a Chihuahua “Killer” isn’t it?

It’s official… I’ve lost my mind. I’m trying to make my house feng shui friendly. I’m starting with getting rid of all the clutter and crap that is just completely unnecessary. So, I gutted my closet, donated tons of things that my ginormous ass cannot fit into anymore I just don’t wear anymore, threw away stacks of catalogs, etc.

I know! I know! You know I’m serious when the catalogs go!

Of course, clearing out all the clutter is supposed reduce stress, invite more positive energy, and help the atmosphere to be lighter. So far, all I have done is my closet and I am seriously considering moving into it!

As it turns out, I’ve invited something with the change in energy. I wonder if there is a “farm” corner on the feng shui map because all I seem to be collecting are animals.

Let me give you a quickie run down on the residents in the house:

Dog - Zander
Fish - Only one named, really… that’s Lucky. And, it’s a long story. There are actually 9, total.
Chinchilla - Sophie
Cat - Molly, she’s the antisocial, psychopath shy type.
Cat - Liza Jane
Chickens - Kodak, something and uh… Bitsy. I hope.
Mouse - Yes, a mouse. No name yet, it’s a she. I’m really pushing for Gorgonzola or Feta.
Birds - two male parakeets. They were my MIL’s but she can’t have them anymore (health reasons).

I wanted to name them Albert and Armand after Robin Williams and Nathan Lane in The Birdcage.

Will and Jack? Nope.

Mike likes Felix and Oscar, but I really prefer Dick and Fritz. Dick, the darker bird, is pretty pissy. Fritz, well, that name just suits him, I think. We’ll see how it turns out…

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go clean out some more closets. One of these damn things has got to be attached to something other than animals!

I’ve decided to name the caterpillar, Slinky. Cuz, ya know…

“Everyone loves a slinky… ya gotta get a slinky… slinky SLINKY… GO SLINKY GO!!!!”

And, I think Slinky is fairly unisex too.

Mike says I come up with bad pet names. Pfft.

If one of those chickens ends up being a hen (please, God, PLEASE!!!) then I’m naming her Bitsy. I don’t see how you can have a chicken and not name it Bitsy. I lived for years with NERO (named after Nero Wolfe character). Ok, I totally encouraged that name. Hee hee. But, a girl chicken named Bitsy? OMG! That’s just CUTE!

Mike is still steamed at me for letting Ethan name the dog Alexander Hamilton. He was studying history and had just gotten back from a trip back east with my mom… SHEEESH! Besides, he goes by Zander anyway. I notice Mike doesn’t get ticked when I call Zander, “Zandy.” I think that’s cute… it’s like Andy with a “Z” which makes me think of Funny Farm with Chevy Chase. I love that movie.

I’ve had a headache off and on for about two days now. Staring at the monitor has been murder! Therefore, you get the benefit of my not so awesome photography skills.

Last Friday Mike and I took Maggie to visit a local petting zoo. I had so much fun looking at the baby goats with Maggie that I forgot to take pictures of it. I usually can’t stand petting zoos but this one was actually super clean, really cute, and the animals all looked very happy.

On our way out we noticed that they had bantam chicks for about $2 a piece. We fell in love with them. We haven’t had a chicken around since Nero passed away.

We bought a few and headed home. Maggie adores them and calls all of them Chickie, which is fine because I guess it might be a while before we determine their genders. I believe only 2 of them are guaranteed to be female. We bought 3 different varieties. Two will keep the feathers on their legs (sort of like an old fashioned petticoat) and another one will have sort of a wild, Albert Einstein look to the feathers on the top of his head (I assume he’s a boy, he’s quite overbearing already) anyway, he’s black and yellow, should be really pretty.

We are really into natural pest control and we noticed with Nero that we really never saw any “bad” bugs in the backyard. I’m excited to get these little guys into the backyard, but right now they are just too tiny!

Zander is thrilled to have something to guard again. See how concerned he looks? He’s missed his rooster, poor thing.

For anyone who might be counting… our pet roster looks like this:

1 dog - Zander
2 cats - Molly and Liza Jane
1 Chinchilla - Sophie
Fish
Chickens

And yes, all of them are well loved.