“Lemon Curry?” (by Ethan)
Okay, I went to the doctor to get my garbage examined for recyclables, it began on an entirely awkward basis immediately. My first observation was that I was the only guy in the entire place. This usually is a good thing, being the only guy with a bunch of females, but they were all much, much older and a few were pretty attractive. It was a brilliant mixture that awkwardness happily chomped away at. So, after sitting next to Mom and laughing at the check options on the “Background Medical History” sheet, we were shown back to a lovely little room by one of the attractive assistants. The walls were lined with vagina diagrams. Lucky me.
The dreadful question was politely asked, “What is wrong with you?” It had to be one of the more attractive shes that was asking, too.
“Well, um,” looking down at the floor while scratching the back of my head,” Uhh, Mom?” I replied.
“Well, he found a lump on his testicle,” Mom stated.
Now, I’m laughing at the situation, but then it was awful! I was terribly uncomfortable to the point where I had to laugh to release the tension. After changing into a stupid gown which wasn’t even long enough to cover my boxers, the doctor came in. She turned out to be another attractive woman. The doctor asked the same questions but then progressed to the more “fun” ones like,
“Are you sexually active?” or, “Anything ever discharge out of your penis?”
Insert more nervous laughter. Finally, Mom was kicked out and the doctor apologized for the added intensity of questions while my mother was still present. I dropped my boxers and then began to give directions. I wanted to say, “If my testicle was a globe, the mass would be Antarctica.”
After the examination my doctor decided that an ultra sound would be necessary to appropriately conclude what the mass was. So, I asked, “Am I going to just be all laid out with my business in the open?”
She replied with, “No, we do everything behind closed doors here.”
But to me, that didn’t answer my question. Behind one closed door could be the whole outside world. You just never know! I can tell you that my version of “all laid out with my business in the open” is pretty different from her version! I took off the stupid gown and put my clothes back on and waited for the ultra-sound technician to take me back to who the hell knew where.
Finally SHE (the entire office is nothing but women!) arrived and we left Mom to go to the other end of the office. We proceeded to a room and I received another gown to put on, only this time, I got to keep my shirt on! Lucky me, dodged a bullet that time!
After I was dressed and put on the bed thing with the technician close by. Lights went off, gown came up, out came an instrument with a chord and hello contact with Don Testicles. It was just weird and cold. Then the technician says, “You’re only sixteen? I thought you were older than that. My daughter is sixteen too.”
The woman was maneuvering my equipment and talking to me about her daughter! All that I could possibly think to say was, “That’s awesome.”
It was just strange. Finally it was over with and I was told I could put my clothes back on. Once I removed the gown I discovered I had gel everywhere! I took the gown and wiped myself clean, tossed it aside and put my clothes back on. From there I was escorted back to the room with the vagina diagrams. Only this time I was too hungry to care whether or not I was going to get caught staring at vagina diagrams AND a headache had set in.
Blah blah, the results, blah blah. Only I was too hungry and preoccupied with my stomach to really care. The doctor said, “We’ll have to do blood work so we can package it up and send it to UCLA.”
“Okay, are we doing that today? Because I’m really hungry,” was my response.
Lucky me, I got my way and I drove to Wendy’s. Woot!
It was an interesting experience.
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