19
Jun

Fowl Drama

Thanks to my MIL who spent some time researching instead of doing what WE did which was to believe someone from the city that they knew what they were talking about, the following was found yesterday:

6.08.010 Keeping prohibited—Exception.
It is unlawful for any person to keep or have under their care, custody or control, either as owner or otherwise, any chickens, ducks, geese, or poultry or fowl of any kind whatsoever, within the city, unless same are kept securely enclosed in a yard or pen at all times. (Prior code § 9.02.010)

We had two, tiny, bantam chickens. They were not capable of leaping the fences (which are over 6 feet tall) they were secure within our backyard and spent 80% of their time UNDER the butterfly bush. The following is the email I sent off last night to the gentleman who showed up and fed us a load of bullshit regarding our pets.

We researched the City Code here -
http://www.qualitycodepublishing.com/codes/bakersfield/

6.08.010 Keeping prohibited—Exception.

It is unlawful for any person to keep or have under their care, custody or control, either as owner or otherwise, any chickens, ducks, geese, or poultry or fowl of any kind whatsoever, within the city, unless same are kept securely enclosed in a yard or pen at all times. (Prior code § 9.02.010)

——————-

Our bantam chickens were SECURE within our yard. You saw for yourself that they were kept securely within our yard. According to this code here - we were well within our rights and now we have had to deal with our 4 year old absolutely heartbroken at the loss of her beloved pets.

Can you please explain to us why you led us to believe that we were doing something that was against code? Is this a change in the code you were unaware of?

Mike and I would appreciate a response and explanation regarding this. Furthermore, I would be interested in knowing who made this complaint as it does appear to lack legitimacy in light of this code.

Thank you for your help in this matter,

Mike and Amy Doran

Maggie has been absolutely heartbroken over Chickie being gone. We had to deal with her SOBBING most of the day when they were taken away. The anger I am feeling right now is nearly quadrupled to what I felt on Monday.

I cannot begin to tell you how STUPID I feel. After all the years I have spent not taking anyone’s word for something, always researching it myself, I stupidly saw a badge and took the jerk’s word for it. You have no idea how ignorant I feel right now. Why I didn’t research this immediately before giving up Hank and Chickie, I just don’t know. I just couldn’t believe that someone who is supposed to enforce the municipal code either didn’t know it or lied his ass off.

Either way, this is my fault, ultimately, because I didn’t investigate my own rights. That will be the last time I EVER make a mistake like this, I can tell you that.

Either to avenge my daughter’s broken heart or the injury to my pride, I’m telling you, I want BLOOD now.

Amy's Musings Tales From An Anti-Soccer Mom  
June 19th, 2008

*WARNING*
For those of you who are new around here or are under the impression that I am a nice person. I just want you to know that I am, but I am about to lose my shit in the following paragraphs and I just don’t want you to hold it against me. You’ve been warned. - Oh, and fair warning, sarcastic comments probably won’t be looked at kindly today. Just so you know.

You know what? I’m goddamn done being the nice guy, being the bigger person. And so help me God, someone is going to pay for this garbage in a big, fat, ugly, ass raped, burn for eternity in hell kind of way.

We do not have a home owner’s association. Thank God, around here they are pretty much nothing but trouble and complete bullshit.

My front yard? Is immaculate. I’d post pictures but I’m too fucking pissed to go outside right now, because if IF I see a neighbor look at me so much as slightly crossway I’m going to light their ass up bigger than any fucking 4th of July barbecue.

My backyard? IMMACULATE. Slightly immature, but what do you expect for a yard that is only a year old?

We have a 1964 Chevy truck in our driveway. It won’t fit in the garage, it’s 4-wheel drive, and primer gray. We don’t drive it because a.) it’s my son’s truck, waiting for time for he and his father to make it pretty again (also it was owned by my FIL originally and passed down to Mike) and b.) umm, it doesn’t have appropriate seat belts and WHY in God’s name would we drive it around when we have two vehicles of our own and our son does not have a license yet, hmmm? Essentially, it’s a classic that just needs to be restored.

Some stupid, fucking, cockwadding, asswiping, numbfuck, twatsicle neighbor called to complain to the city about the truck and the two bantam chickens in the backyard. Oh yes, the TWO, TINY chickens in the backyard that control unwanted pests and are totally a GREEN FRIENDLY SAVE THE ENVIRONMENT (there is currently a bill they are trying to get passed to allow this for home gardeners) alternative to spraying chemicals around our children and further polluting the planet.

The guy from the city? Thought it was funny actually. Considering there are train tracks nearby and non-fucking stop construction from the construction crews who refuse to wait until their 7am start time to start building the fucking houses on the lots that line the back of our property. He walked into a lovely backyard with butterflies buzzing around, daylilies in bloom, and two adorable chickens nesting under the butterfly bush.

Two chickens that I have to get rid of TODAY and THEN call this guy back out to ensure that we did it.

If I find out which neighbor it was - God help them. I will make their lives a living hell.

How about the neighbors in the cul-de-sac who have lined their fucking front porch with hideous looking plants and LEFT THEM in the ugly black containers from the nursery so it looks like a weed (and not the good kind) factory behind their stupid ass looking fountain and house that they have fronted with four different kinds of mismatched rocks that looks like a design nightmare straight from hell.

Or perhaps the neighbor two doors over with the 8 foot weed in her front bed and backyard that is nothing but dirt - when our purchase contracts state that we have to put in a backyard within a year of occupying the property?

Oh wait.. or maybe the neighbors behind us who threw a big ass party with cars lined up and down the streets and then several party goers pulled up with a flat bed trailer and started loading up lumber from the construction site? (Mike called the police on that one)

Or the neighbor across the street who NEVER MOVED in and has 6 foot weeds in the backyard and beds overflowing with weeds in the front yard?

Oh wait, let’s not even mention the stupid fucks in the cul-de-sac who bought a house that is terra cotta and GRAY only to paint the door flaming fucking twat-wad red? Hmmmm?

Or the nine houses on the streets around us where no one is mowing their damn lawn?

Or the house next door that is not foreclosed on (YET) and the backyard has HUGE weeds growing in it that I have to look at every time I fucking go out on the deck.

OR the fucking neighbor two doors over with 3 full size Dobermans (and at least one more small dog) that bark NON FUCKING STOP? It’s not even legal to have that many dogs here and why would you put 3 HUGE dogs in a tiny dog run in a tiny backyard anyway? And the BARKING? Did I mention the constant BARKING?

But NO, immaculate front yard and very pretty backyard owning US - get harassed.

I’m livid. I love this house but all the neighbors can go suck a rotten cock for all I care.

UPDATE
Although not much of one. Mike was in contact with another gentleman (from the same part of town we are in) who has close to an acre (zoned for livestock) where he has bunnies and bantam chickens. He is more than happy to come and pick up Hank and Chickie. We’re just happy to have found a home that will treat them as kindly as we have. Although, that is little consolation. I’m going to miss going out and talking to Chickie and petting her. She coos so pretty when you pet her.

Of course, this does little to quell my deep desire for revenge. I’m trying to work through the anger but it’s pretty hard. My neighbor next door couldn’t believe it. She’s of the “Nancy Drew” nature, so maybe she’ll find something out. As it stands, I can’t say for sure it’s a neighbor, maybe it was one of the builder’s employees, maybe it was someone in the sales office, it could just have been some “Johnny Rulebook” who happened to walk by.

But, if I find out who it was…

Amy's Musings Tales From An Anti-Soccer Mom  
June 17th, 2008

Some disasters are natural ala Mother Nature and others are Man-made. I don’t know which is worse, I just know that in one, eventually the government steps in to help out, otherwise they just look bad. In the other, the government looks for scape goats and tries to ignore the distress of their constituents.

The latter has been my experience.

You may notice that I tend to focus on my kids. They are probably the only things that keep me getting out of bed on a day to day basis. Chickens, mice, birds, cats, dogs… well, I love them too and delving into their mayhem helps me forget about what I face on a day to day basis. What can I say? I prefer the “Law of the Jungle” rather than the pathetic excuse for the Law of Men that we pretend to follow.

My posts lately have looked more like they have been “phoned in” than they look like posts written by someone who gives a damn. I can’t give you any better a reason other than the fact that I spend a great deal of my time defending my work to people who can’t put a basic sentence together to save their pathetic jobs or lives for that matter.

But, that’s me, always striving for some sort of justification or justice rather, in a world filled with injustice and stupidity. After all… somewhere in Texas a village is missing it’s idiot. Clearly, there are bigger problems in the world.

Continue Reading »

Amy's Musings Tales From An Anti-Soccer Mom  
June 3rd, 2008

You know, there are always things that you wish you could say but don’t for whatever reasons. I finally decided to get a few things off my chest.

Continue Reading »

Amy's Musings Tales From An Anti-Soccer Mom  
May 19th, 2008

I’ve decided to name the caterpillar, Slinky. Cuz, ya know…

“Everyone loves a slinky… ya gotta get a slinky… slinky SLINKY… GO SLINKY GO!!!!”

And, I think Slinky is fairly unisex too.

Mike says I come up with bad pet names. Pfft.

If one of those chickens ends up being a hen (please, God, PLEASE!!!) then I’m naming her Bitsy. I don’t see how you can have a chicken and not name it Bitsy. I lived for years with NERO (named after Nero Wolfe character). Ok, I totally encouraged that name. Hee hee. But, a girl chicken named Bitsy? OMG! That’s just CUTE!

Mike is still steamed at me for letting Ethan name the dog Alexander Hamilton. He was studying history and had just gotten back from a trip back east with my mom… SHEEESH! Besides, he goes by Zander anyway. I notice Mike doesn’t get ticked when I call Zander, “Zandy.” I think that’s cute… it’s like Andy with a “Z” which makes me think of Funny Farm with Chevy Chase. I love that movie.

Amy's Musings Tales From An Anti-Soccer Mom  
May 12th, 2008

Or something like that… :thumbsup:

I’ve been working on a project with Crys formerly of Midnight Therapy with Crystal (now on hiatus). I can’t speak highly enough of her, seriously. She’s one of the funniest, smartest, sweetest, and genuine people I’ve ever met. I adore her and it was seriously a privilege to work with her on her new website, Innerstep.Org

I have always had an interest in metaphysics and the paranormal and working with Crys has given me new insights. If I didn’t feel like I was being incredibly nosy I would just sit here all day sending her questions because I seriously LOVE picking her brain. She’s done readings for me and I can’t begin to tell you how much they help. The key is - you have to be willing to listen and you have to be open.

Crys has also done a reading for my husband, Mike, and to be honest, it’s actually improved our relationship because her readings have brought things to light and because we were willing to be open and honest to discuss them - we’ve definitely seen some benefits. Don’t get me wrong - a reading with Crys is not a solution, even she will tell you that, but it’s definitely a solid, guiding tool to help you get where you want to go and Crys is probably the only person on the planet I would trust like that. She’s just inherently good and you definitely feel that coming from her.

Anyway, Crys was awesome enough to allow me to interview her, I was worried that my questions might be too intrusive, but she came through so awesomely that I am thrilled beyond words to present this to you… enjoy!

1.) At what age do you recall really realizing there was something different about you, in terms of being psychic?

It’s kind of hard to parse that way. For instance, I remember seeing spirits in the trees outside my window as a toddler, but nothing much else for years afterward. It felt more like “pockets” of paranormal activity/ability around me than anything consistent, like I would say I experience now. I do recall, however, being approximately eleven years old when I suddenly developed a massive interest in metaphysics and the paranormal. That’s never left me. But in terms of how long I’ve been giving readings, it’s been about six or seven years now.

2.) During childhood/teenage years, did your abilities ever get you out of a sticky situation?

Honestly, given the quality of my upbringing, I remember very little. I can remember specific times, however, where intuition led me to lost things (like my mother – that’s a long story!) or kept me safe/hidden when things were particularly dangerous around me.

3.) I’m sure there are many of us mothers who wish we were psychic ;) - is this an asset in the parenting department?

First off, I think we are all psychic to some degree or another. In other words, what I do anyone can do, with some awareness and practice. I will say that some of us are probably born with more ease-of-access, or, in other words, a stronger link to the sixth sense, than others. But we all have it. Having said that, yes, it sometimes feels like I have that extra set of eyes in the back of my head that I always tell my child I have. But I’m blindsided by my kid like everybody else – hey, that’s life.

4.) Do you feel that television shows like ‘Medium’ or ‘Ghost Whisperer’ benefit the public’s view of psychics or do you feel they skew them in a negative direction?

I think overall it’s been beneficial, simply because the presence of these shows makes psi (and all psi related phenomena) more mainstream. It embeds into our social awareness the realization that there are people like this around us, and that these things (or a variant of these things) can and do happen. I tend to like programs like those with Lisa Williams and John Edward better than ones like Medium, however, simply because fictionalized shows tend to render things a bit unbelievable. But they’re still fun. And curiously, for what it’s worth, I don’t much like that show Paranormal State on A&E, because it seems to overemphasize the negative aspects of the spirit world, making everything seem really scary and horrible. I got tired of that show after awhile and no longer watch it, but watch Ghost Whisperer and Medium all the time.

5.) People who watch the aforementioned show might picture you as having conversations with spirits as your blogging, cooking, etc. - how intrusive are your abilities?

They’re not, usually. The only time I find them “intrusive” per se is when I’m receiving some kind of healing touch from a practitioner (like massage therapy or reflexology). I think this is because the practitioner creates an energy space when they work on you, and one cannot help meld their energies in that kind of a scenario. I’ve about given up on getting massages, I have to say. I just can’t enjoy them, because of all the random imagery and information that pops into my head.

6.) Personally, I’ve often wondered if psychics really feel the need to grieve for lost family members. It would seem to me that, at least for people with these gifts, that loved ones are never really gone they are just sort of a metaphysical phone call away. What are your thoughts here?

It’s true, psychics tend to enjoy a deeper perspective and a longer view with regard to those kinds of things. We know we’ll see people again and that life does in fact go on. But we’re still human. We still enjoy attachments to people and have our own level of social and familial comforts. When that changes, it hurts. I happened to grieve mightily when my father died twelve years ago, and I still do at times. I think that’s completely normal.

7.) You were formerly a Christian Fundamentalist and obviously, you are familiar with the basic beliefs that psychics are Satan’s tools or whatever… you know what I mean. I’ve always wondered if this was ever a major conflict for you? Were you ever present during a sermon where perhaps this was mentioned? If so, how did it affect you?

Oh man, I was present for many sermons like that. When I was deep into fundamentalism, I couldn’t see how confined I was or how limited my world and spiritual views were. It was as if I put my whole brain into a box (along with my discernment and a lot of my heart) and locked it away. Not to be overly critical, but I believe I was indoctrinated, and so when I started removing myself from fundamentalism/Evangelicalism and going back to my psychic roots, I wrestled often with the idea I was “blaspheming” or somehow under the control of evil spirits. Which of course is preposterous. This is where my broad experience with the bible ultimately proved to be a good thing. Looking at it objectively, I saw that it was loaded with examples of psychic ability, be it in the form of precognition, prophecy, apparitions, altered states, meditation, spirit visitation, etc. Moses was a psychic, by today’s standards. So was Isaiah. So was John. And of course, so was Jesus.

I just think people need to stop fearing what they do not understand. That would be a good place to start.

8.) Have your abilities ever affected your friendships from childhood on?

Yes. I believe my intuition has drawn me toward certain people and also led me away from them. Were it not for that “still-small voice” inside me, I’d probably still be tangled up in a lot of toxic, unhealthy and unsatisfying relationships. That’s why I feel it’s so important that we listen to what our spirit tells us, because it always leads us toward truth. It’s always for our greater good. We shouldn’t be afraid of releasing bad relationships and intentionally populating our life with people who support and nurture us.

See what I mean? Is she awesome or what? And, I have to tell you, she’s also one of the funniest people on the planet. Seriously - damn funny. So get your boo-tay over to Innerstep.Org and see the result of all our hard work, please! Bookmark it, check out her blog, and get a reading - she’s AFFORDABLE, for now, people!

OH! One more thing - she also has a MySpace for Innerstep so check it out and add her to your friends list please. Spread the word and let’s get some traffic over there for this kick-ass fellow blogger!

Innerstep.Org Spiritual Readings with Crystal for joy and fufillment in life.

Amy's Musings Tales From An Anti-Soccer Mom  
April 16th, 2008

Tax day. The day when the government bends you over and leaves the lube on the shelf.

I’m enraged this year. I was enraged last year as well - but THIS year, I might just lose it. After the royal hosing we got last year we took everyone’s advice. Well, everyone who said that we should take our stuff to a CPA.

We did.

We are still getting fucked. Royally. Worse than last year. WORSE.

Once again I feel like I’ve hit a brick wall and what might one do when one feels one has hit a brick wall? (possibly not use the word “one” 9 million times in one sentence, but I digress…)

One blogs. *insert eye roll*

So, Mike called and gave me the news. I played the dutiful wife, supportive, strong, without emotion. Then I got off the phone and started to cry. Why? Cry first… get that out of the way and then start getting proactive. Only, I was too pissed to be proactive. So, what do I do when I am too pissed to be proactive? I garden.

I picked up my trusty hula-hoe and went through the flower beds like a sailor on leave with a pocket full of cash. WTF-ever that means. When that little nagging voice in the back of my head said, “Fuck the beds, Amy, in a few months you might not even have a fucking house.” I choked back yakking I strangled that little voice back until it’s eyeballs popped out and then I gave some spurge the hoeing of it’s life.

This is just how things go for me. I hula-hoed until my lungs felt like they might burst. Then I grabbed my trusty rake and promptly got a HUGE splinter in my hand for the trouble. It’s days like this that a huge splinter feels like an entire toothpick. Ignoring the pain in my hand I trudged along, determined to show those beds a weeding like they had never seen before.

Two rakes in… the head fell of the rake. I will take no responsibility for this. The rake is obviously to blame and is clearly a piece of shit. I slammed the head back on the rake and hung it up. Determined not to let a rake get the best of me, I turned my attention to the garden hose. I watered my geranium, scared the dog, and almost gave Ethan the soaking of his life…. that last part was an accident. Wait… so was scaring the dog. Poor thing. He’s getting old too.

Still determined to show that I was not about to be beat down by… the government? The universe? God himself/herself? Pfft. I turned my attention to the pile of laundry that Ethan had left outside his bedroom door.

Washer running… what next?

Oh yes, that little task in the back of my mind. That’s right, canceling the reservations for our anniversary. My 10th anniversary, down the tubes. The beautiful room with pubs within walking distance in Monterey. Yep, that one. Gone.

That one got me. I bawled. A lot. I kept staring at the confirmation page in disbelief. And, when the lovely lady from the hotel emailed me to tell me how sorry she was we wouldn’t be able to make it, I bawled some more. Sure, she was just showing customer service, but to me it was the first drops of human kindness I’d seen since the government pulled the gang rape of the century on my family.

There just isn’t enough tequila in the world to get over that one. Which is, of course, where I went next. Only we were out of limes. It occurred to me that this was, indeed, the day from hell. But, we had lemons! And, when life serves up lemons? That’s right. You slice the little fuckers up and go at the bottle of tequila like a couple of teenagers at the drive-in. (OMG, these crappy analogies are KILLING ME!)

Just as I was printing out my cancellation confirmation, Mike arrived, with wine. This constituted a wine night to him… I don’t know why that struck me as funny, but it did. He needed wine and I was going straight for the produce and tequila. I think my strategy is far more effective, myself.

That’s about the time I started getting the idea for this post. And, just as I was mid-typing storm Mike wandered through the room singing, ala Spaceballs, “Nooobody knows the trouble I’ve seeeeeeeen…” and oddly enough, I wanted to stab him in the forehead with a ballpoint pen. Instead I let him live only to hear him reading my post title in some strange voice. He may have lost his mind at this point, I’m not sure, but I’m damn sure that this day constitutes an, “Every man/woman for his/herself” and the last time I checked there was no “Life Preserver” stamped on my ass.

Completely typical of a high stress situation, I whirled around, eyes shooting flames (and probably that odd sheen that tequila brings) and said, “How DARE you READ over my shoulder!!!! How DARE YOU!!!!” He looked a little stunned, honestly. I pretended to ignore him and muttered, “Just shut up and leave me ALONE!”

It’s not like he had to put our anniversary to sleep like a beloved pet. (Holy jeebus, fucking analogies)

The thing is… even after all of that I’m STILL fucking pissed. All I’ve heard about are tax rebates and this bullshit stimulus package and yet, all I’ve seen is that if you bust your ass work hard and own your own business - they are going to seriously fuck you for it. The government wants SHEEPLE, man, NOT free thinkers. *insert copious amounts of swearing, use your imagination, it’s probably cleaner*

And, - if that hasn’t been YOUR experience, I really don’t want to hear about it today, k? I’ve already had to hear the neighbors talk about how as soon as their rebate check comes in they are off on a romantic trip together.

:boom:

Yes, this is a ‘poor me’ post. I’m so tired of feeling like I’m constantly 3 steps forward 4 steps back. I’m just worn out - I’m tired of busting my ass and just not feeling like I am gaining any ground at all.

I’m tired, I’m angry, I’m worried, and I’m just flat-out scared. But, most of all I am thoroughly disgusted with our government because to me this is the straw that breaks the camel’s back.

Amy's Musings Tales From An Anti-Soccer Mom  
April 11th, 2008

This is why people don’t talk about this stuff. This is why no one wants to admit they have or are on anti-depressants. I have anxiety and depression it does not mean that I don’t have legitimate reasons to be angry or hurt. And yet, somehow, that’s what it all comes around to.

“You’re so emotional.”

“You’re just overreacting.”

“I don’t understand how you could take it THAT way.”

“I’m just not sure that it’s such a good idea, I mean, with how you’ve been and all.”

“I talk to a lot of people and nobody would take that the way you did.”

That’s why it took me so long to even talk about it and why I have skirted around it but never really discussed it blatantly.

Medication for chemicals that are out of whack = A perfect scapegoat to invalidate every feeling you have.

And, when it is someone you LOVE doing it do you. Well, that just makes you want to say “fuck all of this, I’m done.”

Look, I’ve been through some tight situations. I’ve been in bad, bad spots that have NOTHING at all to do with depression or anxiety. I came through them just fine. But, after years of utter, emotional bullshit and stress… it just finally broke.

But, that doesn’t mean that every thought, opinion, or feeling I have is no longer credible.

I realize now why someone I know just dumped all of their meds. I hear that. I’ve tried it. That thought process makes sense to me and all of this is the very reason why some people don’t want to get the help they need because somewhere out there - someone is going to discount them and invalidate them because they are taking a pill every night. So I get that, “Maybe if I’m not on the medication he/she/they will take me seriously. Maybe someone will LISTEN to me and actually HEAR me. Maybe… maybe… maybe.”

Sometimes feeling better isn’t better. Sometimes you feel better until you talk to someone who thinks you are a little :nuts:

And, when that person is someone important in your life. It breaks your heart. It breaks your will and it kills your spirit.

I love that so many of you people out there have experienced this type of thing. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy and yet, I’m grateful that someone understands the experience. But, I often wonder if we aren’t all out here for the same reason. You don’t live with me, I don’t live with you, you don’t know about the time I got really pissed and threw a gardening hand shovel at my husband (uh, well, guess you do now) and after reading my posts and my thoughts and maybe exchanging emails, when I bust out with “Oh yeah, I’m on Lexapro, I have anxiety and depression” it might not necessarily be a blow to my credibility with you.

But, for the people who know me and come into my house and see me daily or almost daily - it’s different. I get to hear about how over the last year I’ve really changed.

Well, I’ve been on meds for this condition since early 2005. The changes over the last year? Aside from business stress and being a business partner AND wife to your husband, it’s a combination and ultimately a “straw that broke the camel’s back” situation comprised of:

A.) Not being taken seriously. People telling me that I have panic attacks because I’m “not grateful for the many blessings in my life.”

B.) Being ignored when I am so overwhelmed with stress that I can’t even form a coherent thought stream.

C.) Constant invalidation because of my problem which clearly means that I am not capable of having a rational thought or actual valid complaint or issue.

When you get to the point where you keep trying and trying to talk, vent, discuss and someone blows you off and dismisses you - eventually you start screaming. Hoping that by sheer volume someone will just listen and hear you, maybe even care and understand.

Instead… you look more “off” because you are screaming and no matter how many times you say, “You don’t LISTEN to me! You don’t HEAR ME!!!!” you are just looked at like a freak.

Sometimes, I’m pretty sure that the only energy I have left is what I am going to use to keep my mouth shut and put it all back in the closet because it’s become plainly obvious to me that communication is just a dead end.

Amy's Musings Tales From An Anti-Soccer Mom  
March 26th, 2008

I’ve really had my head in other things. I haven’t gotten around to many blogs recently. Please don’t feel bad… it’s not you, it’s me. Really it is.

In fact, I’ve struggled all week long to write and post. Truthfully, if I pay close attention, it’s pretty typical of me to get very “stuck” monthly if ya know what I mean. So, I’m a little bitchy and a little sensitive and prone to either tears or angry outbursts.

Which is probably why after really trying to write half-assed decent posts all week and not succeeding at all, I was a little upset when I turned to my beloved spouse for assistance. Thinking perhaps he might be able to provide a little inspiration.

I turned to my much-adored hubs and asked him, “Hey… can you think of maybe 3 or 5 things about me that other people probably wouldn’t know? You know… quirky, silly, annoying, etc?”

Know what he said?

“Huh? I dunno. How would I think of 5 things about you?”

:horse:

So much for the knight on the white charger.

Several years later and he can’t think of 5 things? Really?

I’m so glad it’s Friday. :flaming:

So instead, I’ve decided to bring you 5 Quirky Things About My Husband The Asshole:

1. He has left and right socks. (Oh, Adam, I know you’ll ask about this one, so just email him, ok?)

2. He has a hat fetish. He is attracted to the ugliest fucking hat in a 5 mile radius, if he can find it, he’ll buy it. He once pouted at Disneyland when I wouldn’t let him buy the stupidest looking safari hat that I have ever seen. When he asked why - I told him it made him look like a really stoned, gay, boy scout.

3. It took YEARS to get him to stop making his chili so damn hot that we nearly lost control of our bodily functions right at the dinner table.

4. If you tweak his nipple he automatically has to check it with his own hand to make sure it is still there. It makes me wonder if someone didn’t get drunk and play, “I’ve Got Your Nipple!” with him as a child instead of “I’ve Got Your Nose!!”

5. He makes sex noises when he is concentrating while playing the guitar. Little grunts and gasps occasionally.

There, my love, the next time I ask you for 5 things about me - you better get to thinking quick or I am going to dig deeper into your damn closet next time. Oh, and lest you think I am done with you - we still have all weekend. And, now I am looking forward to it in a whole new way.

:boom:

Amy's Musings Tales From An Anti-Soccer Mom  
March 7th, 2008

Carb.

As in, “low carb!”

Yes, yes, I’ve lost 13 pounds, but that does not mean that late at night I don’t hear pancakes, chocolate chip cookies, cheesecake, etc. etc. calling to me. On top of trying to adhere to my diet I now have discovered something… a deep secret that my family has kept from me.

Someone in this house has been buying M&Ms…

No, I’m NOT joking.

How did I come to find this out?

It was a cold and blustery night. I just couldn’t sleep… what with the television blaring a Chris Rock stand up special. I decided to have some (low*fucking*carb) ice cream to settle my nerves. As I arrived in the kitchen something occurred to me… “Oh my! (I said to myself) I don’t eat bread and yet, suddenly, I am VERY worried that we might not have any…” and I proceeded to ease my worries by searching the bread cabinet and just “happening” to find a bag of peanut M&M’s.

And, it is NOT my fault if tomorrow someone (hypothetically) finds an open bag of M&Ms with a bright pink post-it note that reads, “Ha ha, Fuckers! I ate most of your M&Ms!”

The “fuckers” part - I’ll blame on Atkins Rage or something like that.

Amy's Musings Tales From An Anti-Soccer Mom  
February 25th, 2008