This is the week where I become convinced that my life is in the toilet, all is hopeless, and that my husband is an even bigger asshole than I was previously convinced he was. It’s a dark, sad, angry week. It’s oh so funny to imagine a stapler poking out of my husband’s head and wishing someone would invent a contraption that would allow me to send some sort of electric volt directly into each of my children’s butt cheeks by remote control, because let’s face it, shock collars are so “1980 called and they’d like their Judas Priest get up back.”
But, the sad truth is that I will undoubtedly pour myself a glass of red wine, climb the stairs to my sanctuary (aka bedroom) flip on a lovely, unemotional documentary and then attempt to forget all about back aches, bloating, migraines, cramps, acne breakouts, telephones, business, children, messes, laundry, the husband (unless he wants to provide that long promised back rub), and the rest of life’s little stresses that are just too much, no matter how insignificant, this week.
I’ll listen to some sad songs, cry, eat too many carbs, have another glass of wine and then fall into a, hopefully, dreamless sleep.
Last year I discussed with my doctor how horrible my PMS symptoms are. She suggested doubling my anti-anxiety, anti-depression meds during this week. Until I described the symptoms I have outside of that week, then she decided to double them full-time. Strangely enough, I don’t see much, if any, difference during this week - but the rest of the time I’m pretty cool.
*sigh*
I’m convinced that no matter how sympathetic they think they are - men have NO idea what women go through just to ensure the continuance of the human race.
Fuckers and their abilities to pee standing up, inability to bear children, and complete lack of PMS/periods.
My always and forever blog hero is Zube Girl. I love this woman, she’s amazing and brilliant. But, then she went and got knocked up, had a beautiful baby and totally started being more of a mom than a blogger. Can you believe that? Pfft. (totally kidding here!) I have forgiven her because she gave birth to the most beautiful little girl on the planet. Well, aside from my girls, of course, but I’m a mom and it’s in my contract to say that. Besides I totally know Kari will agree with me on this anyway and all of her kids are totally freakin’ cute too.
Anyway, so Zube went and wrote this post about her favorite songs. Her songs are matched to very poignant and sometimes painful times in her life and she mentioned she liked to hear what music speaks to other people. As you probably know, music is one of my greatest escapes, in fact, I’m blaring Queen in my ears right now as I write this.
As part of my “100 Things” series, I decided to list my top 10 favorite songs. Although, I have a sneaking suspicion I have probably done this before… but maybe not. And, if so - pfft, whatever.
This is actually pretty tough for me because I love a lot of different types of music. My heart belongs to Old Standards and Big Band, seriously. Sinatra, Dorsey, The Andrews Sisters, Bing… I could go on and on. I love every song Harry Connick Jr. has written, performed, and recorded whether it’s instrumental or includes his absolutely magical vocals. So to narrow it down to ten songs, that’s just really tough. In fact, to actually list a song as one of my favorites it has to be a song that I can listen to over and over, tug at my heart, bring back memories, or just make me really, really FEEL and be IN the moment, know what I mean?
So in no particular order (because that would make my head explode) here are my top 10 favorite songs:
1. I Was Born To Love You - Queen, I have always loved Queen. Ethan went through a Queen phase where all he listened to was Queen and he even learned to play, Love of My Life, on the piano. I can’t hear Queen without thinking of Ethan.
2. The Way You Look Tonight - Steve Tyrell, Frank Sinatra (who could pick a version!), this is the song that Mike and I had our first dance to. The entire wedding soundtrack was mainly set to the Father of the Bride soundtrack. I can’t hear this song without getting all warm, fuzzy, and squishy inside.
3. Simple Things - Amy Grant, this song has become my personal mantra, if that makes sense. Which is why the lyrics are listed on my MySpace.
I dream of simple things
I can believe in
Like the feeling this day brings
True love and the miracle of forgiving
I believe in simple things
4. Fly Me To The Moon - Frank Sinatra, Ol’ Blue Eyes never fails to get to me.
5. My Blue Heaven - Harry Connick Jr., I love Harry, but this song, his version, is just so up and happy. I never fail to grin when he sings, “Just Jillie and me and baby makes three, we’re happy in my blue heaven.”
6. Don’t Stop Me Now - Queen, my official Friday night song. I love this song, it puts me in a good place mentally every time I hear it.
7. Come Fly With Me - Frank Sinatra, the most romantic invitation ever.
8. On The Street Where You Live - Harry Connick Jr., this song is really special because, while I have always loved My Fair Lady, I love Harry’s version the best so I put it on my birthing CD for when I was in labor with Maggie. Later I would sing it to her in the shower, she was so tiny curled up on my chest letting the hot water hit her back, she would always fall asleep as I sang it to her.
9. Agnus Dei - Amy Grant, this one and her version of “O Come All Ye Faithful” just make me know that there is something greater and bigger than me out there. My soul moves with this music especially, as if it is truly connected to something sacred and wonderful. I grew up listening to Amy Grant, every Sunday my mom would put on a record while we got ready for church. Amy Grant was played pretty often and her music (Angels, El Shaddai, Sing Your Praise) always takes me back to a very special time before anything bad ever really happened.
10. Love Has A Hold On Me - Amy Grant, that’s it. That’s the ultimate, no matter how bad it gets, no matter what happens, it’s all the same in the end. I can’t really do this song justice without putting Amy’s lyrics here:
I have found a perfect mystery
Love has a hold on me
Long before my life had come to be
Love had a hold on me
Love has a hold on me
Where do I come from
Where does life mean
Is it not to know the one who made me
As I’m looking down the road ahead
Love has a hold on me
Someday when I breathe my dying breath
Love has a hold on me
Love has a hold on me
Where will I go
When this life is through
Back into the light that made me and you
Love has a hold on me
Something opened up my eyes to see
Love has a hold on me
Love has a hold on me
I don’t have answers to all the questions
Running inside of my mind
But I cant help but believe that
Understanding comes in time
Love has a hold on me
Something opened up my eyes to see
Love has a hold on me
Love has a hold on me
If I run, if I hide, I know inside
Your love has a hold on me
Tell me yes, tell me no, my heart will follow
Your love has a hold on me
If I run, if I hide
Your love has a hold on me
Your love has a hold on me
Your love has a hold on me
Hold on me
I give you this one thought to keep -
I am with you still - I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sunlight on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning’s hush,
I am the swift, uplifting rush
of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not think of me as gone -
I am with you still - in each new dawn
Boy, it’s been one hell of a week. I wanted to end on a happy upbeat note, but I just don’t think I can. I’m not good at being vulnerable. I’ve spent most of my life having to look out for someone else being vulnerable was not something I’ve had time for. I’ve always been the type of person to believe that good prevails in the end and when I’ve been given the opportunity, I’ve tried to speed that process along.
When Mike and I were on our honeymoon we received some very poor customer service at a chain store. By the end of the day I had the district manager on the phone, received an apology, the employees were written up, and we received a bunch of free stuff and a follow up letter of apology.
When an unscrupulous dental corporation attempted to fight me on the unemployment I was due - I fought them viciously and won. I got not only my unemployment but the judge at the hearing issued a very stern reprimand letter to the corporation and told me I probably had a good shot at a law suit. That’s not something that normally happens around here with the unemployment office. I followed this up with a labor complaint that ended in a decent settlement as well. I didn’t pursue the lawsuit even though Gloria Allred was willing to look into at one point (that isn’t name dropping or bragging, she was only interested because there was an element of sexual harassment). I probably should have but at that point I just wanted to walk away from the whole thing.
I put my job in jeopardy originally by alerting the dental investigator for southern California that children were being abused in the dental offices. I recall at the time, that Mike wasn’t too supportive of that because of it jeopardizing my job. But, no one else was willing to speak out for those children and I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t at least try.
My point? Well, it’s not that I’m some big, bad person who wanders around kicking ass. Not at all. In fact, my point is more that I wasn’t the “give up” kind of person. I have always had a deep desire for fairness and justice, the lack thereof has always been something that enrages me deeply. I get that from my mom, undoubtedly.
So, ten years ago? I would have fought this chicken thing tooth and toenail. Although, what is there to fight? What would I be looking to have at this point? I’d like an apology and an admission of general fuck up from this Code Enforcement Officer and the rest of the moronic department, I suppose.
These days I just feel like life has kicked my ass. Like the big bully is standing there yelling at me to get up and all I can do is just drag myself off somewhere. I’m tired. Really, really tired. And, I don’t feel like I have the support that maybe I once had. I’m just not the Erin Brockovich type anymore.
So I sit here, in effect, screaming at the ocean. Wishing things were different… wondering why they aren’t, and frustrated because it seems the more I wiggle the more the noose tightens. I look over at Mike as if to say, “you’ve got my back, right?” only to find that he’s angry and annoyed with me for even being upset about any of this. And, I feel like a child who has been told to stop crying about the ice cream she dropped in the dirt.
I don’t know, I guess when the person who means the most to you and is supposed to be your life partner, sees no validity in the things that matter to you, that you feel emotional and passionate about (and let’s not just reduce this to chickens, it’s more than that) - it no longer feels so important, worse yet, you feel a little worse about yourself for “getting so worked up” over it.
I feel that for every feeling of discontent that I have I must first close all the exits, cross every t and dot every i just to prove that my feelings have worth and value. Sometimes it feels like a constant battle, which person’s cares are more important. Not that I feel that way, but after feeling like nearly every feeling you have is devalued, you just want to scream and say, BUT I FEEL THIS WAY, WHY DON’T YOU CARE?!?!?!
I can’t seem to make it clear that to me, agreeing with someone and caring about their feelings is not the same thing. I’m ok with someone not agreeing, but I’m not ok with being put down for having those feelings. And, just because you don’t agree doesn’t mean you can’t care. At least in my book.
Thanks to my MIL who spent some time researching instead of doing what WE did which was to believe someone from the city that they knew what they were talking about, the following was found yesterday:
6.08.010 Keeping prohibited—Exception.
It is unlawful for any person to keep or have under their care, custody or control, either as owner or otherwise, any chickens, ducks, geese, or poultry or fowl of any kind whatsoever, within the city, unless same are kept securely enclosed in a yard or pen at all times. (Prior code § 9.02.010)
We had two, tiny, bantam chickens. They were not capable of leaping the fences (which are over 6 feet tall) they were secure within our backyard and spent 80% of their time UNDER the butterfly bush. The following is the email I sent off last night to the gentleman who showed up and fed us a load of bullshit regarding our pets.
We researched the City Code here -
http://www.qualitycodepublishing.com/codes/bakersfield/
6.08.010 Keeping prohibited—Exception.
It is unlawful for any person to keep or have under their care, custody or control, either as owner or otherwise, any chickens, ducks, geese, or poultry or fowl of any kind whatsoever, within the city, unless same are kept securely enclosed in a yard or pen at all times. (Prior code § 9.02.010)
——————-
Our bantam chickens were SECURE within our yard. You saw for yourself that they were kept securely within our yard. According to this code here - we were well within our rights and now we have had to deal with our 4 year old absolutely heartbroken at the loss of her beloved pets.
Can you please explain to us why you led us to believe that we were doing something that was against code? Is this a change in the code you were unaware of?
Mike and I would appreciate a response and explanation regarding this. Furthermore, I would be interested in knowing who made this complaint as it does appear to lack legitimacy in light of this code.
Thank you for your help in this matter,
Mike and Amy Doran
Maggie has been absolutely heartbroken over Chickie being gone. We had to deal with her SOBBING most of the day when they were taken away. The anger I am feeling right now is nearly quadrupled to what I felt on Monday.
I cannot begin to tell you how STUPID I feel. After all the years I have spent not taking anyone’s word for something, always researching it myself, I stupidly saw a badge and took the jerk’s word for it. You have no idea how ignorant I feel right now. Why I didn’t research this immediately before giving up Hank and Chickie, I just don’t know. I just couldn’t believe that someone who is supposed to enforce the municipal code either didn’t know it or lied his ass off.
Either way, this is my fault, ultimately, because I didn’t investigate my own rights. That will be the last time I EVER make a mistake like this, I can tell you that.
Either to avenge my daughter’s broken heart or the injury to my pride, I’m telling you, I want BLOOD now.
Some disasters are natural ala Mother Nature and others are Man-made. I don’t know which is worse, I just know that in one, eventually the government steps in to help out, otherwise they just look bad. In the other, the government looks for scape goats and tries to ignore the distress of their constituents.
The latter has been my experience.
You may notice that I tend to focus on my kids. They are probably the only things that keep me getting out of bed on a day to day basis. Chickens, mice, birds, cats, dogs… well, I love them too and delving into their mayhem helps me forget about what I face on a day to day basis. What can I say? I prefer the “Law of the Jungle” rather than the pathetic excuse for the Law of Men that we pretend to follow.
My posts lately have looked more like they have been “phoned in” than they look like posts written by someone who gives a damn. I can’t give you any better a reason other than the fact that I spend a great deal of my time defending my work to people who can’t put a basic sentence together to save their pathetic jobs or lives for that matter.
But, that’s me, always striving for some sort of justification or justice rather, in a world filled with injustice and stupidity. After all… somewhere in Texas a village is missing it’s idiot. Clearly, there are bigger problems in the world.
I’ve read “Men Are From Mars / Women Are From Venus” - I like it. I think it has awesome, practical information in it. I also have “Mars and Venus in Conflict” (check title, not sure if I have it right exactly and I’m too lazy to run upstairs and retrieve it.)
But, what I think is missing here? Even though both books contain some practical examples, is a guide to romancing your wife - written by a woman. Ok, I didn’t research this, maybe on already exists. I don’t care, I am pretty sure I have some pretty decent ideas. Maybe I’m strange, maybe this doesn’t apply to all women, but, I think everyone can find something useful here even if not all of it floats your boat.
Women are like teabags. We don’t know our true strength until we are in hot water! ~ Eleanor Roosevelt
I don’t see myself as being particularly strong. I’ve had people tell me, “I don’t know how you did that. I don’t think I could have.” I more or less just see myself as doing whatever I had to do depending on the given situation. No valiant effort, no grace under pressure, no strength in the face of adversity. Just putting one foot in front of the other.
The problem with being perceived as strong is that the people around you seem to forget that as strong as you can be, there are times when you don’t feel so strong and having to take one more step is just more effort than you can possibly muster. If you are quiet people assume you are fine as opposed to complaining nonstop where they think you are a whiner.
And fine, my friends, is in the eye of the beholder.
I’m carrying a huge load and all I can do is sit there with it on my back and keep trying to trudge forward. Sometimes I see a pretty decent return on that trudging. Other times, I worry it’s not worth it. Mostly, I just want to revert back to being 5 or 6 and stomp my feet and scream, “It’s just NOT FAIR!” because it isn’t. This is not the way things were supposed to go and I’ve worked too hard to deserve THIS.
I don’t have the energy to be THAT friend, THAT mom, THAT wife. I feel pretty alone because I don’t think people completely understand that. Actually, I’m pretty sure they don’t. Everyone has their burdens to bear. I know. I’m just a little overwhelmed by the magnitude of it all and a little dismayed at the lack of support or the outright ambivalence I seem to encounter almost daily. The ambivalence is the worst.
Then there are those rare moments when I manage to pull it together long enough to try, really TRY and I am forced to ask for help. Something, I can’t stand to do. I will spend hours researching my butt off, or trying everything I know to do before I will ask for help. Unfortunately, it seems that lately when I finally do reach out, I find myself hitting that wall of ambivalence again. It hurts, it stings, quite a bit actually.
So, I put a happy face on, pretend it’s all going to be okay. If I can’t… well, then I just stay away. I say, “I’m fine.” A lot. I avoid talking about it, ban all talk of it on the weekends, and dread Mondays in a way that is far beyond the “Mondays suck!” attitude that I might have had from time to time in the past.
I don’t remember a time when I was so close to giving up. In the past I’ve always maintained the attitude that “everything will be okay. This too will pass.” But, I’m tired now. Really, really tired. Now, I notice that when things appear to improve I almost begin to wait for the downturn, which is terrible. I never used to be like that. I used to be the kind of person that when things improved I believed that they would just continue to do so. Instead, now I think, “Oh good. This is good. Where’s the train?”
Anniversaries come up and you immediately remember the wedding. The cake, the dress, the guests, the flashbulbs that caused the worst migraine ever encountered on a wedding night. Ten years later and somehow it doesn’t feel right to just think about the wedding. After ten years, it ought to be about a lot more than that. I mean, sure, Mike and I have been together a lot longer than that, but once you get married it’s just strange counting two anniversaries.
Ten years later, you’ve built a life and a family. Ten years later those things you might never have done the first year… you do without a second thought. It’s about the ups and downs the getting through and the times when you didn’t make it but somehow, always ended up together and it was just right.
The year we were married Mike was one of a very few guys at an oil company that didn’t get laid off. We didn’t know if we would be able to get married. We weathered the storm, Mike kept his job, we had a very romantic wedding, and a lovely honeymoon.
Fitting that all these years later we’ve seen highs and lows back to highs again and now, another low period. Life is getting in the way. So, no romantic weekend trip to Monterey, no romantic dinner out. Just a cozy, romantic evening on the deck listening to Maggie bang on the bedroom door because Ethan and Katie are “being mean” and wanting to wring both of their (Ethan and Katie) necks for not understanding that their parents would love just an hour or so of peace and quiet. Fitting that what life has become will surround and fill an evening meant to celebrate what started that life.
At least, that’s what I’m telling myself, to do otherwise… would not be prudent.
