Oh, that crazy motherpucker.
Posted By AmyD. on March 24, 2009
After a weekend that was exhausting for all the wrong reasons I needed to relax. My plan was a hot bubble bath and a spicy Bloody Mary.
I began mixing one of my favorite cocktails and realized we were out of Tobasco. We were also out of my plan B hot sauce as well. So I turned to a brand new bottle of what I thought was novelty hot sauce. “Crazy MotherPucker’s XXX Liquid Lava” hot sauce. I added a dash, stirred and made my way up the stairs to my bedroom.
In the bathroom I found Maggie in my tub enjoying a bubble bath. My bath was delayed! So I decided to have quality kid time (as if sitting up for a few nights with her while she was sick lacked in quality) and talk to my daughter while I sipped my drink.
The first sip was smooth until the hot sauce hit. This was, without a doubt, the hottest hot sauce I have EVER encountered. I felt it traveling undoubtedly leaving trail of fire down my esophagus and hit my stomach like a glut of gasoline with a blow torch chaser.
The pain was almost unbelievable. Almost. Except I felt it and it was my great misfortune to confirm that feeling is believing. It wasn’t just burning it actually HURT… a great deal.
I ran downstairs thinking, “I can recover, I can salvage my drink and my evening, I KNOW I can!” In between gasps I explained to Mike the utter tragedy that had befallen me. His eyes lit up… much like a boy who has discovered a box of unused firecrackers in August or October, whatever.
Clearly unmoved by my sweating, wild gesticulating, and tears streaming down my face, Mike was on a mission to find the bottle of hot sauce and test it out for himself. I left him to liquefy his insides at his own risk, vowing to laugh at him later for his obvious stupidity.
I was on a mission to get to some sort of catch all that was about to be visited by the sip of Bloody Mary burning it’s way back up my throat at light speed. It burned almost as badly coming up as it had going down.
Pepto Bismol and several glasses of milk later, the burning and pain had subsided as had my desire for a Bloody Mary and a bubble bath for that matter. Instead I took my crackers and milk and went to bed. There I was greeted by Maggie, happily propped up on pillows, all bubble bathed with fresh jammies watching cartoons.
Sometimes you just have to cut your losses.
About The Author
Men are so kind when these kind of things happen. Why do they think it’s funny when our mouths are on fire? My S.O. is the same way with me and salsa.
I’m glad you survived.
J.
Men… who knows?
Did the words “liquid lava” not hold any weight with you whatsoever?
I’m sorry you hurt your gutties.
I’m sorry I laughed so much while reading this.
Chickie’s last blog post..For Me?
:rotflmao:
Well, come ON, obviously with a duck like THAT on the bottle OF COURSE I thought it was NOVELTY hot sauce not like, “hey I’m serious this shit is really HOT” hot sauce.
:doh:
Dude! When you see a duck? That’s some SERIOUS SHIT. As in “fuck a duck!”. Do you know how tough an animal has to be to take a good fucking? Very tough.
Chickie’s last blog post..For Me?
:rotflmao:
I had never thought of it that way.
Those ducks are some tough little fuckers aren’t they?
So, did you get to laugh your ass off at Mike? Because that would have salvaged a little of the evening. :rotflmao:
Crazy Lady’s last blog post..At least he is honest about it!
I was too busy tending to myself, he told me the next day that he tried a couple of DROPS of the stuff and his mouth was still burning two hours later. AND… Mike EATS peppers for the FUN of it. So that stuff is seriously, seriously HOT.
He also said I’m the second person he’s ever heard about that has puked eating/drinking something that hot. The other person was an old buddy who ate a habanero pepper on a bet.
Shiiiit woman! I can’t even stand Tobasco. I don’t even want to touch the bottle of that one!!! Sweet Shjesus!
:mob:
DutchBitch’s last blog post..Do the iPod Shuffle
Yeah, see, I only like Tobasco in my Bloody Mary’s and only just a dash or so. And it’s just enough to give it just a bit of heat to make my mouth feel warm. This stuff… it’s like a nuclear option or something. I won’t make that mistake again.
My mouth hurts just reading that! :mob:
Jen’s last blog post..Hi! Remember me?
My stomach hurts just thinking about it!