Summer is just around the corner. That means ice cream.

What?

Oh, I KNOW I’m not the only pudge to dive into some serious frozen, creamy, yumminess.

It’s just I have a few problems with ice cream, nothing major, just a complete overhaul of the ice cream industry a few minor points that I would like to address. Fortunately, this is my bitch zone and I can totally do that.

First, let’s talk cheesecake ice cream. Oh, it’s the ideal combination, sure, but if you say your ice cream is “Strawberry Cheesecake” then it should have lumps of strawberries or at least a strawberry ribbon, definitely some chunks of graham cracker and chunks of actual cheesecake not just “cheesecake flavored” ice cream.

The other day Kate and I bought Strawberry Cheesecake ice cream. It was Thrifty brand which was as awesome as Baskin Robbins when I was little. I got cheesecake flavored ice cream with strawberry ribbon. *sigh* Utter disappointment.

We also got chocolate chip cookie dough, which was really good. Although, for the record, even though it’s called chocolate chip cookie dough, that doesn’t mean it should have actual chocolate chips, like out of the package chocolate chips. To me, that seems like a cop out. I’ve got chunks of chocolate chip cookie dough and that was really what I was after. I prefer those shavings of chocolate, the kind with no well-formed shape. Chocolate chips just seems like someone ran down to the store grabbed a bag of Tollhouse and dumped them into their vat of ice cream. I could do THAT myself, thankyouverymuch.

While I’m on the subject of the add-ins to ice cream, I think it’s important to note that it’s a fine line between “add-in” and an “all you can eat buffet” thrown into your ice cream.

Description on pint: Rum flavored ice cream with caramel ribbon, truffle chunks, peanuts, chocolate covered almonds, chunks of fortune cookie, with pieces of snicker’s candy bar. *

*Not an actual description.

If I wanted to dive into a cold pint of everything that didn’t sell after Easter… I’d have bought all that crap after Easter.

And, that does not include Ben & Jerry’s, I think they walk the line without ever blurring or destroying it. Although, I am having second thoughts because I just checked their website and they now have “Mission To Marzipan” as a new flavor.

WTF? Marzipan? Are you KIDDING me? Who likes marzipan? Sure you can shape it up and paint it pretty, it’s always nice to see in those packages at Christmas time, but OMG, have you TASTED that stuff? Ewww, eww, eww, ewww. Does NOT even make sense to put it in ice cream.

Still, I’m going to give Ben and Jerry’s a little slack because it doesn’t seem like they’ve gone too far off the deep-end. After all, they do still have Stephen Colbert’s Americone Dream which is still Ethan’s favorite.

My favorite used to be Phish Food. I say used to be because, it’s pretty chock-full of gooey, gunkiness. The problem is that three bites in you find yourself in a diabetic coma. Something had to give. Turns out it was just me giving up the Phish Food.

My biggest bitch is Butter Pecan and Pecan Praline. One of those HAS GOT TO GO and in my world, it better be the Butter Pecan. Butter Pecan is useless. It’s actually just a lazy version of Pecan Praline where someone decided to not get on with the praline part of the show so they just dumped a bag of pecans into it.

The problem is that Butter Pecan and Pecan Praline LOOK a lot alike and for those of us so freaking excited about getting two 1/2 gallons of ice cream for $5 it just makes it too damn hard to make a mistake. 2 for $5 means I’ve decided to get 4 (I own two teenagers, SHUT UP!) and I am going to rapidly make my selections before some crazy PMS craving kicks in and the sugar demons in my soul convince me to buy SIX. That means I have to look at PICTURES not take the time to read.

Yesterday? I came home with Butter Pecan when I meant to grab Pecan Praline. Which reminds me… if those two have to coexist than can we at least separate them with strawberry so that people like me don’t get home and bloody their tonsils screaming in outrage when they take a bite of ice cream and end up with NO PRALINE to their PECANS????? Hmmmm????? Maybe??????